A Message From Annastacia Palaszczuk

Hi there, fellow Queenslanders. Your Premier here, delivering an update on just what I’m doing to keep you safe from the outside world - or as our state constitution calls it, “The Forbidden Woods”.

Lately I’ve noticed that a lot of people have been saying they’d quite like to travel outside of the state, and I would like to take this opportunity to say: we hear you. We’ve been listening closely to your concerns, and we fully understand your desire to go somewhere other than Queensland. It is a stupid and reckless desire, and I despise you for having it, but we fully understand it.

Really? You want to leave, do you? You want to leave this beautiful state, with its majestic landscapes, wonderful climate and world-class entertainment and dining options? You want to leave Queensland, the best place in the world, and go god-knows-where, to places where it’s probably damp and cold and the beaches are dirty and the theatre scene is at a very basic stage of development.

You want to leave Queensland which famously is “beautiful one day, free of deadly viruses the next”? You want to wilfully deprive yourself of all the benefits of living that Queensland offers, which includes not dying of Covid or from being given a poisonous vaccine? I always thought it was insane people wanted to leave Queensland before the pandemic, but this really takes the cake.

And where the hell do you want to go, anyway? India? You want to go to India, with all their cows in the street? You know it smells, right? If you’re familiar with the wonderful fragrance of Queensland, you would be shocked.

Or Japan? You want to go to Japan? They don’t let you talk with your mouth full there, how would an Australian even communicate? And you know the toilets talk to you there, right? How awkward would that be?

And if you’re not going to India or Japan, where else is there? Germany, where the Nazis came from? America, where Donald Trump comes from? Colombia, where cocaine comes from? You really want to go to these horrible places? You dumb losers.

So that’s the message from your government, Queenslanders: stay the course, obey the rules, and shut up about these insane notions of “travel”. Because if you’re being honest, wouldn’t you rather be strolling happily down the Queen Street Mall than having your lifeless corpse dumped in a hole by foreign murderers?