Ask Ben

The column in which I give sound financial advice to readers

DEAR BEN,

I am a retiree with $6 million in savings, $10 million in super, and three houses valued at a collective $15 million. How can I still receive the aged pension?

BERYL

DEAR BERYL,

If you place your savings in a medium-term high-yield maturation uncappedd bond maturation account, redirect your super into offshore sovereign infrastructure funds, and reclassify your three houses as field hospitals, you can reduce your taxable income to zero and not only keep the aged pension, but qualify for a lump sum from the Traffic Accident Commission.

DEAR BEN,

My wife and I have recently come into possession of several billion dollars from the sale of our fleet of yachts. Can we minimise the capital gains tax by financing our daughter’s opium export business?

CECIL

DEAR CECIL,

You can definitely cut your tax bill by investing in opium production, as long as you make sure to register your contribution with the Agricultural Investment Authority and become a member of the Australian Poppy Federation. However, an even more effective way to avoid punitive tax rates is to register your daughter as a Heavy Rigid vehicle and claim the expense of raising her from birth as employment transport costs. This will mean reporting the opium income as Early Childhood Education expenses, but this will be no problem as long as you and your wife both backdate your commencement of employment as TAFE administrators to 1994.

DEAR BEN,

I have less than fifty million dollars in my superannuation account and my only assets apart from my house, holiday property and private island are my sixty classic cars and hangar of Nazi memorabilia. How can I arrange my affairs to ensure a comfortable retirement?

HORST

DEAR HORST,

Providing for retirement is a major concern for older Australians with constrained financial resources like yourself. The best way to plan for your later years is to have a train run over your legs and sign up for the National Disability Insurance Scheme. You can also maximise your savings potential by adopting orphaned children and selling their blood, which is tax deductible.