Bachelorette Australia Episode 5 Recap
Brooke gets Goosed.
PREVIOUSLY on The Bachelorette: people raced around a go-kart track and folded sheets for literally no reason. Also there were new people.
TONIGHT on The Bachelorette: Luca and Brooke bomb North Korea.
Brooke arrives at the mansion driving a weird silver car, such as a Thunderbird might drive. She is going on a single date with Luca, to find out whether he is indeed a Thunderbird. She has been impressed by Luca, particularly the way he saves her from having to spend time with any of the other dickheads at the mansion.
Today’s date is “Top Gun” themed, because Top Gun is the favourite movie of the producer who organised the date. “I’m looking for my Top Gun…Maverick,” says Brooke to Luca, hoping she’s somehow accidentally stumbled on a reference that makes sense.
“I feel like something special is about to happen,” says Luca, but how Brooke and he can play homoerotic volleyball is a puzzler.
Brooke drives Luca off into the countryside, much like a serial killer might do. “Luca’s got a lot going for him,” says Brooke, naming random personality traits in an attempt to hide the fact that Luca’s only got one thing going for him, that thing being: Brooke wants to bang him.
They arrive at an airfield, where there are fighter jets. “They are used in the air force all over the world,” says Brooke, refusing to explain what this means. In a cutaway, Brooke cannily observes that the fighter jets are not cars. That’s the kind of expertise she’ll need today.
Brooke and Luca will be riding in the jets. Brooke’s callsign is “BB Gun”, because her initials are BB and she rarely breaks the skin. Luca will be known as “Gladiator” because he is a convicted criminal who people will pay to watch die.
The planes take off. They fly around for a bit. It’s very exciting. For them, I mean. For anyone watching on TV it’s boring as hell. As they are sealed in glass compartments with no way of touching each other, it’s very romantic also.
After the planes touch down, both Brooke and Luca agree that the experience was “epic”, and that the way they both said the word “epic” fifty times while in the air was also extremely “epic”. Brooke is in tears, but then she usually is.
Coincidentally, the show is sponsored by the marketing campaign for the new Top Gun movie. Isn’t that amazing? I bet the producers laughed when they found that out!
Back at the mansion, the suitors have received an envelope containing a list of people who will go on a group date and do something idiotic with Brooke. Carissa tells everyone that she wants more time with Brooke. The others no understandingly, trying to remember who Carissa is.
Carissa’s name is not on the group date card, which makes her sad and is very funny. Luca’s name is on the group date card, which pisses everyone off and is even funnier. Kurt can’t believe that Luca gets to spend so much time with Brooke. What does a guy have to do to get Brooke’s attention, Kurt wonders? Be in any way interesting? Are things going to go to such extremes?
Brooke and Luca, meanwhile, sit down on the date couch and sweat in the glow of fifteen thousand candles. Brooke thanks Luca for helping her conquer her fear of being given free rides in decommissioned air force jets. “That’s what relationships are all about,” says Luca, who takes all his girlfriends up in fighter jets.
Luca tells Brooke that he gets angry if he gets silver or bronze medals, showing off his sexy ability to turn any conversation to the subject of ju jitsu. “You tick all the boxes,” he says. “What are the boxes?” says Brooke. “You,” says Luca. This high-level verbal sparring goes on for a while, before Brooke gives Luca a rose and he licks her tonsils clean.
It’s group date time. TAFKAAG asks Brooke if she likes being physically active. Brooke, to widespread shock, says that she does. Therefore everyone today has to go over an obstacle course like this is fucking Survivor or something. But before they go over each obstacle they have to answer a question, and the team that knows Brooke best will have an advantage. Brooke will choose one person from the winning team to spend time with tonight, so there’s a lot at stake, if you’ve never done anything important in your life.
And so the obstacle course happens. There is much grunting and groaning and great footage of active buttocks. Kurt repeatedly gets the answers to the questions right but is ignored by the rest of his team, who have learnt, like most people who know Kurt for more than a day, to simply tune his voice out. This greatly hinders his team, which would be really disappointing if it weren’t fun to watch these people fail. “It’s not just your average obstacle course,” says Brooke, and she’s right: it falls well below that standard.
When the intruders’ team runs the obstacle course, it’s almost as dull as when the first team did it. The most interesting thing is just how long and pink Will’s body is. And then the first team wins, which makes them very happy. Brooke chooses Kurt for the date extension, which is an act of charity rarely seen. “I’m ecstatic,” says Kurt, in the same tone of voice he uses to announce the death of a beloved pet or the making of a sandwich.
“I’ve been wanting to get to know Kurt for a little while now,” Brooke lies. She sits by the fire with Kurt and tries to drink enough alcohol to make his conversation bearable. Kurt boasts about how he knew the answers to the questions in the obstacle course. Brooke tells him that he’s very handsome but wants to know why he wants a serious relationship. Kurt explains that now that he is no longer swimming, he is ready to settle down with a Land Person. Brooke feels a more intense attraction to Kurt than she has ever felt before, which isn’t saying much. “I just want to kiss,” she says, desperately searching for a way to stop him talking. Brooke gazes intently at Kurt, trying to make him understand that she wants to pash on. Kurt keeps talking. Brooke gazes at him even more intently. Kurt burps. Brooke finally gives in and just tells him to kiss her for god’s sake. Kurt is a very good kisser: he could almost pass the Turing Test.
“He’s a really wholesome guy,” says Brooke, really going over the top with the wild compliments.
It’s time for another cocktail party, so they throw another drifter on the fire and discuss how nervous Carissa feels about the fact that Brooke clearly does not care whether she lives or dies. Darvid advises Carissa not to compare herself to others, much as you might advise a contestant on The Amazing Race not to catch planes.
Brooke arrives, wearing half of a lovely outfit. She takes Darvid away for a chat, which is a huge win for Darvid because he doesn’t have to stay behind and listen to Carissa’s interminable whining.
Carissa interrupts Brooke’s conversation with Darvid, because she simply has to tell Brooke how she feels. As Brooke tries to remember Carissa’s name, Carissa tells her that she’s totally into Brooke and as such it is quite difficult to see her repeatedly making out with other people. This is unprecedented: nobody could possibly have predicted that going on The Bachelorette would result in such a scenario.
Carissa explains that she doesn’t think she can continue with the completely insane idiocy of this show. This makes Brooke tear up, so apparently it’s approximately as emotional as a ride in a fighter jet. Brooke thought she had a real connection with Carissa, so the revelation that Carissa is a normal person who doesn’t want to engage in a nauseating perversion of human relationships has come as quite a shock. That’s Brooke’s full-time job after all.
Brooke comes out and informs the other suitors that Carissa has left after outing herself as a sane human being. Everyone is shocked that anyone would give up the chance to potentially co-host Studio 10. Brooke goes to bed, teetering on the brink of self-awareness.
Tune in next time, when Brooke discovers Jamie-Lee’s secret past as an Israeli assassin.