Bachelorette Episode 3 Recap
Darvidly deeds afoot
Previously on The Bachelorette: Brooke totally pashed on with some people she doesn’t really know.
Tonight on The Bachelorette. Samesies.
Specifically…
It’s morning in Sydney, and five million people get up and go to work without at any point dry-humping a stranger. But Brooke don’t play that way, so she drives to the mansion to pick up Holly. “Holly has an energy that I’m drawn to,” says Brooke, striving for maximum obnoxiousness.
Holly observes that Brooke “looks like a natural” when driving a car, which kind of a low bar to set for a potential life partner, but if that’s important to you I guess. Brooke tells Holly that she makes her nervous, and Holly admits that “it’s quite ironic, because I feel the same way”. But she only says this to the camera, not to Brooke, so Brooke never has to find out the truth: that Holly doesn’t know what “ironic” means.
Both women, filled with crippling anxiety, zip off in Brooke’s little red car, on a very special date, or at least a date: whether it’s very special really depends on whether you think that a date arranged by TV producers who will also be arranging dates for everyone else back at the mansion is “special” or not.
It turns out that the very special date is having two dancers teach Brooke and Holly how to salsa. “I’ve been dancing since I was five,” says Holly, “so I don’t think Brooke could’ve chosen a better date.” It actually seems like she couldn’t have chosen a worse date, since she’s brought an experienced dancer to learn how to dance. But then, how were the producers to know, when they booked the dance class months ago, that Brooke would pick Holly? That’s the perils of carefully-organised, preset romance.
Anyway they dance for a bit and bang on about how great dancing is.
Cut to that night, when Brooke and Holly are sitting on a couch surrounded by incredibly romantic fire hazards. “It feels like I want to understand her and she wants to understand me,” says Brooke, setting another incredibly low bar. Brooke observes that Holly is “looking for something: I just wonder if that’s me”. One can understand her confusion: when someone comes on The Bachelorette to compete for the chance to have a relationship with the Bachelorette, it’s often very difficult to tell whether they want the Bachelorette or not. How to figure that out?
Holly explains that she doesn’t care about gender, using terms like “my truth” and other irritating phrases. “I know who I am and I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” she says, who she is being a woman in search of a media career. Brooke explains that all her life, people have been trying to put her into boxes, and expresses her gratitude for being able to escape the smugglers. Meanwhile on Twitter a million people have simultaneous orgasms over the Important Conversation Happening Right Now.
Brooke gives Holly a rose. Holly accepts it. They pash on.
It is the next day. Brooke and TAFKAAG stand in a field. A group of suitors show up for a group date that will “explore their compatibility”, the results of which will be immediately ignored by all. The winner will get a rose.
The game - oh yeah, the date is actually a game - involves suitors being strapped two at a time into a big inflatable thingummy, and trying to grab hearts from the middle of, while harnessed to bungee cords. It is not totally clear how this proves anything about anyone’s compatibility, but I suppose Brooke has expressed a preference for people with powerful leg drive.
Anyway, the winners of the heart-grabbing thing go through to the next round, which doesn’t take long because the editor recognised how boring this game is.
In the next round, the losers get drunk and watch the winners try to prove their compatibility. Each winner stands behind a love heart, with ten “heartstrings” attached. When you get an answer right you get to cut someone else’s string. Whoever’s left connected by heartstring to Brooke at the end gets a rose. Emily makes it clear early on that she is out to get Darvid, having been disgusted by his revelation at the last cocktail party that he is on The Bachelorette to date the Bachelorette rather than to make friends with Emily.
As the questions go on, the game - which is less about revealing one’s compatibility with Brooke and more about seeing who is best at guessing what Brooke would say and pretending they agree - gets tense. Everyone gangs up on Darvid because they are basically a bunch of douchebags, which would be very sad if Darvid weren’t a douchebag as well. That’s the beauty of this show: you can celebrate everyone’s misfortune because they’re all terrible people.
Darvid is eliminated first, and exits the game with murder in his heart. The game continues, and it’s kind of weird how many of the questions are about money. Has Brooke written these? Is she leading up to a season-ending pre-nup? Also, Brooke always seems to answer (C) to every question, which the suitors really should’ve picked up on.
The men cut the women’s strings and the women cut the men’s strings and we all acknowledge that sexism is a wonderful thing. Kurt is knocked out. Jess is knocked out. It’s just Steve and Emily left. Steve is knocked out. Emily wins. Whew - that was mildly suspenseful.
Emily gets a rose. Brooke says she’s keen to get to know Emily more, now that she knows about her financial philosophy.
It’s cocktail party now. The suitors who weren’t on the group date get all the goss about how dumb it was and how everyone hates Darvid and what a dickhead Emily is. Brooke arrives, dressed as Tinkerbell. She asks Holly to join her for a chat and some light frottage.
After hitting new heights of banality in conversation with Holly, Brooke chats with her other suitors, all of whom have equally boring things to say. Each of them would apparently like to get Brooke more, in a surprise twist. Brooke would like to get to know them also. “I am the first Indigenous bisexual Bachelorette,” says Brooke, in case that hasn’t been hammered into everyone’s skulls with sufficient force in previous weeks. She hugs all her suitors in the same way one might hug a beloved aunt.
Meanwhile there is still some tension around Darvid, who everyone resents for wanting to win. “Darvid’s sort of, all eyes on Brooke,” Emily whines, the tragic result of growing up without anyone ever explaining the concept of “competition” to her.
Brooke grabs Darvid for a chat because she feels sorry for him, knowing that everyone’s ganging up on him, demonstrating that the ganging up has backfired quite pleasingly. They sit down to tell each other how hot they are. They then kiss in the way one would never kiss a beloved aunt, proving that this series truly is, as the promos promised, “the series in which Emily can suck it”.
Rose ceremony time. Holly is safe. So is Emily, which is lucky, because if she hadn’t, the weird giant marshmallow she’s encased herself in might’ve been a dealbreaker. TAFKAAG enters, makes a snide comment about Darvid, finishes his padding and introduces Brooke, who will pause for six minutes between each rose.
Darvid gets a rose because Brooke really wants to be in those pants. Once again, Emily can suck it.
Karissa gets a rose because otherwise we might’ve forgotten who she was.
Konrad gets a rose because he took the time to make his hair look horrible just for Brooke.
Kurt gets a rose as consolation for Fraulein Maria forgetting his name.
Bec gets a rose as recognition for her sterling work in the community.
Matt gets a rose because he is so 80s.
Steve gets a rose because he kind of looks like Darvid.
Ryan gets a rose because his life has been hard enough already.
Jamie-Lee gets a rose because Brooke really wants to be in those pants too.
Taje gets a rose because Brooke likes saying the name “Taje”.
Jess gets a rose because Brooke is attracted to awful human beings.
This leaves Ritu without a rose, and the only way this moment could be any sadder would be if anyone knew anything about Ritu at all. Luckily, we don’t, and so we feel nothing as she rides into the night, back to what is sure to be a disappointing life.
Tune in next time, when Jamie-Lee tries to prove that she’s put everything on the line without defining what that means, and Konrad whips it out.