Bachelorette Episode 4 Recap
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight
PREVIOUSLY ON THE BACHELORETTE: the bit at the end showed us that intruders were about to show up.
TONIGHT ON THE BACHELORETTE: intruders show up.
As this episode begins, we note that it is one hour and three quarters long, which when adjusted for Bachelorette time, means it lasts for approximately eighteen days.
Brooke rocks up at the mansion and is “so excited”, because she’s going on a date with Konrad and she really hopes he is going to build her another bench. She has brought Konrad a Harley Davidson. “I’ve heard he’s really into motorcycles,” she says, not realising that this is simply a scurrilous rumour spread by the military-motorcycle complex.
“I’m on another planet, I’m on cloud nine,” says Konrad, unable to make up his mind. They leave on the Harley. “Have fun!” the other suitors squeal, with gross dishonesty. Brooke flashes back to when she rode on a Harley with Nick “the Honey Badger”, her one true love. “This will be way better,” she lies to herself.
Carissa interrupts with a cutaway to explain that she and Brooke have “sparks”, and the only reason Brooke doesn’t seem to know she exists is that she hasn’t had the chance to ride a motorbike with her yet.
Brooke wants to see if Konrad has a sensitive side. This is called “foreshadowing”. She tells Konrad that self-care is very important to her, because in many ways the self is the heart of the identity. With this in mind, Brooke and Konrad both put on bathrobes and massage each other. “This is my jam,” Konrad says enthusiastically. “I’m an onion, there’s layers to me.” Making it, I suppose, onion jam.
Brooke gets one look at Konrad in his undies and succumbs to dampness. She rubs Konrad’s manly-yet-sensitive body all over as the piano on the soundtrack instructs us to think this is romantic. Interestingly, when Konrad rubs Brooke, it changes to guitar. Important lesson: piano is for ladies rubbing men; guitar is for men rubbing ladies.
Suddenly Konrad kisses Brooke unexpectedly and without consent, but Brooke doesn’t mind because she wants to get all up on that. The piano on the soundtrack attempts to evoke the sound of fairylights as Brooke and Konrad paint each other’s faces with grey muck to clear their pores while making an ironic point about blackface.
Konrad confesses that even though he is a man, he has feelings. In the past, he has had problems with partners because he has tried to be someone he’s not. This was a huge mistake, especially as the person he was trying to be was Nick “The Honey Badger” Cummins.
Konrad paints Brooke’s nails to show that even though he knows how to make a bench, he is also a great guy to have a slumber party and watch Steel Magnolias with.
How long are they keeping this grey shit on their faces? It looks like that disease people get in Game of Thrones. Oh it’s OK, they’re having a wash. Brooke feels appreciated and has never experienced this before. Konrad and Brooke pash on, and Brooke believes this is one of the top six pashes she’s had in the last 24 hours.
It’s night time, which means time to sit on a couch surrounded by candles and get really drunk. “After today’s date, I’m fully blown,” says Brooke, somewhat cryptically. “I haven’t felt this giddy and happy and playful for a while,” she adds - in fact, not since Darvid. They pash on some more.
Brooke confesses that she’s always been very independent but Konrad wants to take care of her, and will love her unconditionally no matter which FM radio network she signs up to after the show. Konrad confess that in his previous long-term relationship he wasn’t willing to be as completely frigging awesome as he is now, but he finally feels ready to admit that he is the perfect man. “I’m definitely starting to like this girl,” he gushes, really going over the top with the flowery talk.
Brooke gives Konrad a rose, because she’s not contractually allowed to give him a handjob. “I’m over the moon,” Konrad exclaims. Imagine how happy he’ll be when he actually gets her into bed.
There is now a group date in which the suitors pile into Mitsubishi Eclipse plug-in hybrids and talk excitedly about how roomy and comfortable and quiet Mitsubishi Eclipse plug-in hybrid s are, in between close-ups of various features of Mitsubishi Eclipse plug-in hybrids. Why not talk to your Mitsubishi dealer today and see if a new Mitsubishi Eclipse plug-in hybrid is right for you? By the time they reach their destination, half the field has dropped out of the show, realising they could never love Brooke as much as they love the new Mitsubishi Eclipse plug-in hybrid.
Those who stay in arrive at a go-kart track, where Brooke is waiting alongside TAFKAAG, who lives there. The suitors will compete in a relay in pairs, which will involve racing, folding laundry and untangling fairy lights, to show Brooke how good they are at doing random things for no discernible reason. Then at the end Brooke will choose one person for some personal time, rendering the whole “race” thing meaningless. Nobody wants Emily on their team, so Emily is paired up with Brooke, which delights Emily and devastates Brooke.
So that all happens, soaking up valuable airtime. They bump into each other and so forth etc. Taje makes a few casual attempts to get herself killed and suffers whiplash, but pushes through the pain to prove that she is willing to inflict permanent disability on herself if it means Brooke will sit on her face.
The laundry-folding part of the challenge sets a new record for the most boring segment of TV ever broadcast in this country, which is soon broken by the fairy light untangling part. Carissa helps Emily and Brooke untangle their fairy lights, which is nice of her because Brooke decided pretty early on that she would not be lifting a goddamn finger.
Brooke chooses the person she wants to spend time with, and suddenly everyone is reminded of what they were told at the start of the date: that how you performed in the race was in fact utterly irrelevant. She chooses Carissa, because Carissa was the only one who helped Emily with the fairy lights after Brooke abandoned her.
Brooke and Carissa sit down to eat cheese and get drunk. They flash back to the first episode, when Carissa showed up in a badly torn dress but carried it off in style, before presenting Brooke with a weird drawing of a turtle for some reason.
Brooke asks Carissa what she’s looking for in a partner. “Is it someone like me?” Carissa cleverly avoids falling into Brooke’s trap, saying yes instead of “God no, you’re not my type at all”. Brooke accuses Carissa of going into her shell, which to be fair Carissa warned her about with the turtle picture.
Carissa admits that she gets nervous. Brooke tells her she wants to get to know her better even though she’s obviously no Konrad. They kiss and Brooke is incredibly underwhelmed. “Is there anything I can do to let you know I’m still interested?” Carissa asks. “Learn to fucken kiss,” is what Brooke wants to say, but instead she babbles some empty bullshit like always.
It’s cocktail party time, with Taje staying in her room because of her go-kart injuries. Everyone is on edge, although they have no idea that the show is about to deliver a twist that only anyone who has ever seen this show before will see coming.
Brooke shows up in a sparkly bra and undies, with a red curtain wrapped elegantly around her waist. Everyone is enchanted by how close she is to showing a nipple. Suddenly the mood of the party grows dim as TAFKAAG enters, which happens at every party he attends. “My stomach falls out my butt,” says Holly, possibly referring to the host’s arrival, or possibly referring to a deleted scene.
TAFKAAG takes Brooke aside and tells her that intruders are coming to the house. Brooke, who has already been on two series of The Bachelor and knew that this was definitely going to happen, is stunned.
In they come, with the cocky strut of people who have not already ruined their chances with their horrible personalities. The first intruder is Millie, a gym manager who has come to the party dressed as the night sky. She discusses with Brooke the possibility of doing a session at the gym together. “Fuck off,” says Holly from the couch, speaking for all.
The next intruder is Will, who is a cartoon character from the forties with an ill-judged moustache and wooden hair. Kurt worries that Will might be as tall as him. That is all we need to know about Will, as we quickly move on to Jessica. Jessica gives Brooke some keys and makes a lesbian joke, and Brooke is besotted because those are her two favourite things.
The final intruder is Luka, who has a man bun and lives on the second floor. He wants to be a professional ju jitsu athlete, but currently he is a PE teacher and only gets to punch and kick children. He bonds with Brooke over their mutual love of physical violence. They laugh a lot, disgusting the suitors on the couch beyond measure. “I feel like you’re going to be a little bit of trouble,” Brooke giggles, already dreaming of jumping his bone.
TAFKAAG gathers everyone together and reveals that just as four new people arrived, four people will leave tonight, and so it is vitally important that if you’re going to murder someone, you do it now.
“I’m feeling super anxious,” says Kurt, in the tone of voice of someone who has just noticed a small speck of toothpaste on his tie. He is worried that Brooke might send him home because he still hasn’t learnt to speak like a human.
Luckily for Kurt, Brooke takes him aside for a chat so they can discuss how long it is since they last had a chat. They agree that it’s been a while since they last had a chat, and it’s nice to know they have that in common. Back at the main party, Luka says he will soon move in to talk to Brooke. Carissa advises him not to. Luka, not being a complete idiot, decides that Carissa is full of shit, and gets up.
“So sorry to interrupt,” Luka lies, interrupting Kurt in full flow which to be fair was probably doing Kurt a favour. He tells Brooke he’d like to talk to her sometime, then goes back. Five minutes later he decides Kurt’s had long enough to mumble sweet nothings in Brooke’s face, and returns to challenge again. “Give us a couple more minutes,” Kurt says, as the eternal dance continues and the audience gradually loses their will to live.
Finally Brooke finds Kurt’s off switch, and takes Luka away for some conversational ju jitsu. Carissa feels the cold hand of fear upon her heart, but does nothing about it because she’s not here to make a fuss.
Brooke has barely begun talking to Luka when Darvid shoves his oar in to hug and kiss her. Luka doesn’t blame him, but is sporting the kind of gigantic grin you only wear when you are very certain there’s no more fuckable dude in a six-mile radius.
Rose time. Carissa feels terrified even though she has a rose and cannot be sent home tonight. It’s possible she’s forgotten the rules. Kurt’s fear is more justified, and he is so nervous that he almost develops a facial expression.
“What an eventful cocktail party,” says TAFKAAG, as slowly as possible. After telling everyone things they already know, he brings in Brooke, who embarks on the joyous task of ruining four people’s lives.
Kurt gets a rose because Brooke admires his stoic, bricklike personality.
Luka gets a rose because hey, he’s Luka, you know?
Millie gets a rose because she’s brave enough to wear an objectively ugly pantsuit on the biggest night of her life.
Holly gets a rose because she says “fuck” more than anyone else.
Darvid gets a rose because hey, he’s Darvid, you know?
Steve gets a rose because he’s a spare Darvid in case the first one breaks.
Ryan gets a rose because he knows how to unblock your pipes if you know what I mean.
Will gets a rose because of his hilarious antics in the pages of Smith’s Weekly.
Jessica gets a rose because she’s a funny lesbian.
The last rose goes to…
Jamie-Lee, because Brooke remains warm for her form.
This means we see the last of:
Matt, whose resemblance to legendary bandleader Ray Ellington failed to cut through;
Emily, whose combination of tedium and bitchiness never quite hit home;
Jess, whose combination of bitchiness with more bitchiness hit home even less;
And Bec, whose bold attempt at Taylor Swift cosplay failed to catch Brooke’s eye tonight.
Carissa is devastated at the departure of four of her rivals, not understanding how the show works at all.
Tune in next week, when Carissa comes clean and asks if that’s how Brooke likes it.