Fifty Things About Me

Let's get to know each other

1. I cannot whistle.

2. I cannot ride a bicycle.

3. I play the guitar extremely badly.

4. I quit the Cubs as a child, following a humiliating incident on camp.

5. 95% of all the punches I have thrown in my life have occurred during a game of rugby. In which I was playing, I mean. I wasn’t starting fights in the crowd.

6. My best bowling figures are 6-74.

7. I adore Anne of Green Gables. I also adore Anne of Green Gables: the Sequel. But NOT Anne of Green Gables: The Continuing Story. I must make this clear.

8. I eat broccoli but I am not happy about it.

9. I was a passionate Balmain Tigers supporter but am now a passionate Melbourne Storm supporter, having been unable to support a team called Wests.

10. I cried in the movie Toy Story 3.

11. I cried in the movie Paper Planes.

12. I cried in the movie-length version of the 70s Britcom Love Thy Neighbour.

13. I cried when Balmain lost the 1989 grand final.

14. I cried when Australia lost the Fourth Test of the 1992/93 series against the West Indies.

15. I have never been drunk.

16. I have never smoked a cigarette.

17. I have never consumed an illicit drug.

18. I think The Simpsons is still funny.

19. I am an atheist. A full-on Dawkinsy one. Yeah.

20. I played representative rugby union for Parramatta as a teenager.

21. I am almost two metres tall unless I’m sitting down.

22. Once when we were little my sisters made me dress up in one of their school uniforms to act as a prop in their performance of “Little Girls” from the musical Annie.

23. I prefer chicken Twisties to cheese ones.

24. I like pineapple on pizza.

25. I think Gene Wilder was a better Willy Wonka than Johnny Depp, but that Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a much better movie than Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

26. I would rather play Civilization I than any other Civilization.

27. I failed my driving test twice.

28. I think George’s solo output was better than both John and Paul’s.

29. I like all the Pirates of the Caribbean films. All of them. Even though the first one is much better than the others.

30. I have seen every movie in the Carry On series multiple times.

31. I suffer from sleep apnoea.

32. I once spent the night in Sarah Blasko’s bedroom.

33. I have three sisters and no brothers.

34. I have three children including two twins.

35. My upcoming book will be my tenth, although two were self-published so they don’t count.

36. I went to university with former Big Brother runner-up Tim Brunero. Also a lot of less famous people.

37. I’m a white guy.

38. In the 1990s I had a poster of Michael Slater on my bedroom wall, and I still kind of wish I did.

39. I think Achy Breaky Heart is a pretty good song.

40. I mostly write in the hope of making friends.

41. I was once in the audience of The Big Square Eye.

42. My highest score is 53 not out.

43. I have been called “the funniest man in Australia” and “the Bill Hicks of spoken-word”, but it doesn’t seem to have helped much.

44. I like going to zoos more than anywhere else.

45. I am currently working on five novels.

46. I’m fat.

47. My favourite member of One Direction is Louis.

48. The most underrated film ever made is in my opinion Condorman.

49. I have a lovely singing voice.

50. My dreams will mostly go forever unfulfilled.