How we beat the ape

Could 100 men defeat one gorilla? Yes, they could, and here is why:

1. The Power of Friendship.

If one hundred men are coming together to work for a common goal, it is because they share a bond of friendship. These men have joined their brothers in the quest to defeat the gorilla because they care for each other. They have each other’s backs. In their own way, they love each other. My Little Pony taught us that friendship is magic, and that will always be true. There is nothing we can’t do if we have our friends with us, and that includes beating great apes in unarmed combat. Meanwhile, the gorilla is alone. He has no friends. Perhaps he drove them away with his obnoxious attitude and poor social graces. Perhaps they turned away in disgust due to his offensive social media posts. Perhaps he is just shy and never managed to get the knack of making friends. If so, he is to be pitied, but we will not allow pity to distract us from our task. Our friends are relying on us.

2. Human ingenuity

The gorilla is not a naturally ingenious mammal. His lifestyle does not demand creative thinking. He is not generally called upon to defeat anything more challenging than a palm leaf. He will not be able to draw up the complex strategic and tactical plans that will be at the fingertips of the 100 men, who within their ranks are bound to include individuals from diverse professions such as military officers, personal trainers, financial advisers and administrative assistants within the infrastructure and/or events marketing sectors, if not more. There will be no way for the gorilla to match the foresight and meticulous planning of the human group. With 100 men on the case, it is likely that dozens of different ways to approach the task will be devised: the gorilla will never be able to prepare effective defences for all of them. With a concealed pit dug in front of him, a cleverly-woven net hanging above, camouflaged men hiding in the bushes to ambush him from behind, a convincing dummy of a sexually alluring female gorilla beckoning to him from one side and a poisoned pile of bananas on the other, he won’t even see the small man hiding under a pile of leaves waiting to kick him in the nuts until it’s too late.

3. Psychology

The gorilla will be working on an almost entirely physical level. He will be using brute strength, mainly via his mighty arms and fearsome jaws, to bring down his opponents. However, as humans, our enormous brain casings allow us to expand our options. We will be able to attack the gorilla both physically AND mentally. With 100 men available, we can assign some of them to the task of physical restraint, and some to the task of breaking the gorilla down psychologically, by undermining his self-confidence, distracting him with complex ethical dilemmas, and sapping his will to fight by reminding him of the family waiting for him back home and how much of the truly important things in life he is missing out on with his relentless insistence on engaging in these asymmetrical inter-species show fights. There will then still be some men left over to poke him in the eyes.

4. Bribery

One hundred men are likely to have between them financial resources beyond the average gorilla’s wildest dreams. If all else fails, they will be able to offer tempting material inducements to the gorilla to throw the fight. The gorilla will be able to offer them nothing beyond shoots, stems, and possibly the occasional grub or snail. It is unlikely that the gorilla, being a responsible provider, will be able to resist the better life he could give his family if he accepted the bribes. This is not to morally judge the gorilla in any way: surely most of us would make the same decision in his shoes.

5. Religious faith

Gorillas have no religion: Dian Fossey established over her many years living with them that they are natural atheists. As such, they have no higher power to call on in times of trouble. In contrast, human men understand and known how to wield the power of prayer for their own ends. In all probability, numerous faiths will be represented within the hundred, meaning numerous gods will be called upon for succour and aid if the battle starts to look dicey. A gorilla may have enormous upper body strength, but the most brutish silverback is helpless before the combined magnificence of all the Gods of Man. Divine providence is the ultimate weapon, and plagues and thunderbolts raining down upon the ape will be the proof.

6. There’s a hundred of us

It’s a hundred fucking men against one fucking gorilla. Of course they will beat him. What are you, a fucking idiot?