I don't love myself, and you can't make me

I hate it when someone says variation on “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” Or even worse, “You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.”

First of all: who says? Where did you get this from? Is it a law of nature? Have there been studies done? What is it about the quality of love that has been determined to be impossible to transmit to others unless you have transmitted it to yourself? Is love a virus, that you have to catch to become infectious?

Or is it just that the combination of words sounds kind of pithy and sort of has the shape of a wise saying, so it can be mistaken for insight as long as you don’t pay attention?

It’s just made up, admit it.

Secondly, nobody who says this ever explains how I’m supposed to love myself if I don’t already. I mean, I know myself. I’ve lived with myself for many years now. If I don’t love myself by now, I’m not going to.

Because the thing is, I’m just a person like anyone else. I love some people, but most people I don’t. Maybe I will come to love some of those who I don’t currently love, but if I do, it’ll be by getting to know them better and thus discovering that they are loveable. I can not, you see, just decide, “I am going to love that person, starting…NOW.”

And if I can’t do that for them, how can I do it for myself? If there’s a way, then by all means, empty aphorism-spouting halfwit, let me know. Show me the mechanism by which I can abruptly switch from a state of non-love to one of love. For anyone. If you can’t show me how I can do it for someone else, don’t tell me I can do it for myself.

The people who say this bollocks are always talking generally. It’s a rule for life, that everyone should follow. It’s not directed at someone they actually know. I’m being told by complete strangers that I should love myself. Well, how would you know? You don’t know me, you don’t know how much I suck. Almost everyone I’ve ever met doesn’t love me, why do you think they were all wrong? Personally I’m comfortable being in the minority, absent strong evidence for swimming against the stream.

If you don’t know me, don’t tell me I should love myself. For all you know I am utter scum, and let’s be honest, I probably am. There must be a reason, after all, that I don’t already love myself: it’s likely it’s because I am not a loveable person. Or are you calling me an idiot? Am I too stupid to see how loveable I am? If so, why are you telling me to love someone who’s so stupid?

And then you say if I can’t flip that magic switch that turns my opinion of myself to adoration, I can’t love anyone else, either? Well, for a start that is patently untrue. Unlike you, I am basing my views on observed reality, and I know that I love people, and that I don’t love myself, so your claim is empirically false.

And I think people love me, too. I can’t explain why, but they say they do, and I don’t think they’ve got any particular reason to lie, so again, absent contrary evidence, I am going to accept that I am loved by others even while I am not loved by myself. So, that’s another in your eye.

But even that aside, why are you being so mean? You’re telling me that if I am so unfortunate as to be unable to love myself, I can’t love anyone else, and I can’t be loved by anyone else? In other words, you are piling misery upon misery. I lack self-love, so I am condemned to forever lack other-people-love too? You think that’s fair? Frankly, you are being a jerk, and you should be ashamed of yourself. It’s no wonder that nobody loves you, though that shouldn’t bother you too much, as you love yourself so frigging much.

No, I don’t love myself, and I’ll ask you kindly to stop telling me to, dickhead.