I Say!
A chap doesn't like to repeat himself, what?
Oh god. Look, I’ve written about this before, when they decided to rewrite Roald Dahl. But now PG Wodehouse too? I just…
Look, I’m wary of this story, because after the Dahl flap it’s become clear that announcing the bowdlerisation of much-loved literature is a good way to drum up publicity for a publisher, who can then announce they will be publishing uncensored editions and sell more books. So maybe it’s all just a stunt.
BUT even if it’s a stunt, it’s a stunt based on a very real sentiment, ie the desire among possibly-small but still disturbingly-large segments of the publication to take old works of art and redo them to be more in line with “contemporary sensibilities”. In other words, “This writer got it wrong, I can do it better”.
As I said, I’ve fulminated on this before, so I hate to repeat myself. But any move to rewrite Wodehouse cuts me even deeper than Dahl, as Wodehouse’s status as, in Douglas Adams’s words, the greatest musician of the English language, is a particular hero of mine, and his works are precious to me. PG long ago worked his way into my heart and will always live there.
But I will confine myself to these observations - see my piece on the Dahl affair if you want further elaboration.
Anyone who picks up a Wodehouse book looking for contemporary sensibilities is a weird unit.
The assurance from the publisher that the changes “won’t affect the stories” is spectacularly dunderheaded: the stories are not the point of Wodehouse. More than almost any other writer, the joy of his books is in his use of language. Any change to the words he wrote himself is striking at the very heart of what makes him magical.
It is supremely insulting to readers to suggest that when reading a book written many years ago, we are too stupid to contextualise it and understand WHY it might include archaic values or attitudes - not to mention that we are so brainless that when confronted with something bad in a book, we can’t recognise it as bad, and will assume it’s good unless a kindly publisher steps in to instruct us.
Following from the above, this is a perfect example of the arrogance of the censor: to consume a work of art and declare that although I am able to absorb it without ill-effect, it must be changed for public consumption, because other people are not as refined as I, and could not bear it.
If you’re upset by old-fashioned attitudes, don’t read old books. It’s as easy as that. Just leave them alone for those of stronger constitution.
Anyway.
The Weekly Creativity
My Conversation With an AI
Ben: Hello. I wish to register a complaint.
ChatGPT: Hello! I'm sorry to hear that you have a complaint. I'll do my best to assist you. What is the nature of your complaint?
Ben: Hello, miss?
ChatGPT: I'm sorry for the confusion earlier. I'm an AI language model and I don't have a gender. How can I assist you with your complaint?
Ben: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
ChatGPT: Of course! I'm here to help. Please let me know what your complaint is about, and I will do my best to assist you.
Ben: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
ChatGPT: I see, I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble with your parrot. What seems to be the issue with the parrot?
Ben: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
ChatGPT: I'm sorry to hear that your parrot is no longer alive. That must be frustrating. May I ask if you have tried to contact the boutique where you purchased the parrot and inform them of the issue? They may be able to offer you a refund or a replacement.
Ben: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
ChatGPT: I understand your frustration, sir. If the parrot is indeed deceased, I would recommend contacting the boutique where you purchased it and explaining the situation. They may be able to offer you a solution, such as a refund or a replacement. If you have any questions or concerns about how to go about this process, I would be happy to assist you.
Ben: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
ChatGPT: I'm sorry to hear that the parrot is no longer alive. In that case, I would recommend contacting the boutique where you purchased the parrot and explain that the parrot has passed away. They may be able to provide you with a solution, such as a refund or a replacement. If you have any questions or need assistance with this process, please let me know.
Ben: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you wake up!
ChatGPT: I apologize, but I believe there has been a misunderstanding. If the parrot is indeed deceased, it is unlikely that it will be able to respond to any stimuli, including fresh cuttlefish. Once again, I recommend contacting the boutique where you purchased the parrot and explaining the situation. They may be able to provide you with a solution, such as a refund or a replacement. If you have any questions or need further assistance, please let me know.
Ben: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
I'm sorry for the confusion, but I assure you that I did not hit the cage. As an AI language model, I am not capable of physical actions. My purpose is to assist you in resolving any issues or concerns you may have. If you still require assistance with the issue of your deceased parrot, please let me know and I will do my best to help you.
Ben: Yes, you did!
ChatGPT: I apologize if my previous message was unclear. As an AI language model, I do not have the physical ability to hit or interact with the cage. My role is to provide assistance with language-based tasks, such as understanding and responding to your messages. Please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with regarding your complaint.
Ben: POLLY!!!!! Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
ChatGPT: I understand that you believe the parrot to be deceased. I recommend contacting the boutique where you purchased the parrot and explaining the situation to them. They may be able to provide you with a solution, such as a refund or a replacement. If you have any questions or need further assistance, please let me know.
Ben: STUNNED???
ChatGPT: I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "stunned." Could you please clarify or provide more context?
Ben: Now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
ChatGPT: I apologize for any confusion or miscommunication earlier. If you believe that the parrot is indeed deceased and you are not satisfied with the response you received from the boutique, you may want to consider reaching out to a consumer protection agency or filing a complaint with a relevant governing body. They may be able to provide you with additional guidance and support in resolving the issue.
Ben: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
ChatGPT: I apologize for any confusion or frustration you may be experiencing. It is difficult to say why the parrot fell flat on its back without more information or context. However, if you believe that the parrot was already deceased when you purchased it, I recommend contacting the boutique where you bought it and explaining the situation to them. They may be able to offer a refund or a replacement.
Ben: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
ChatGPT: I see. If that is the case, I recommend contacting the boutique immediately and informing them of what you have discovered. Nailing a parrot to a perch is not an acceptable practice and it is important that this issue is addressed appropriately. You may want to consider contacting the appropriate authorities as well, such as a local animal welfare organization, to report any mistreatment of animals.
Ben: "VOOM"?!? This bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
ChatGPT: I understand that you believe the parrot to be deceased, and I apologize for any frustration or inconvenience this has caused. Once again, I recommend contacting the boutique where you purchased the parrot and explaining the situation to them. If they do not provide a satisfactory resolution, you may want to consider reaching out to a consumer protection agency or filing a complaint with a relevant governing body.
Ben: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! He's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
ChatGPT: I understand that you are convinced that the parrot is deceased. As I mentioned before, if you believe that the parrot was already deceased when you purchased it, I recommend contacting the boutique where you bought it and explaining the situation to them. They may be able to offer a refund or a replacement. If you are still not satisfied with the resolution, you may want to consider contacting the appropriate authorities or seeking legal advice.
Ben: I see. I see, I get the picture.
ChatGPT: Is there anything else I can assist you with?
Ben: Does it talk?
ChatGPT: If you are referring to the parrot, based on what you have described, it does not appear that the parrot is capable of talking, as it is deceased.
Ben: Well it's scarcely a replacement then is it?
ChatGPT: I apologize for any inconvenience or disappointment caused by the situation. If you are not satisfied with the replacement offered by the boutique, you may want to consider discussing alternative options with them or seeking additional support from a consumer protection agency or relevant governing body.
Ben: Bolton, eh? All right.
ChatGPT: I apologize, but I am not sure what you are referring to with the word "Bolton." Could you please provide more context or information so that I can better assist you?
Ben: This is Bolton, isn't it?
ChatGPT: I apologize for any confusion, but I am an artificial intelligence language model and do not have a physical location. I exist solely to assist you with any questions or concerns you may have. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Ben: That's inter-city rail for you
ChatGPT: I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you mean by "inter-city rail". Could you please provide more context or information so that I can better understand how to assist you?
Ben: I wish to complain
ChatGPT: Certainly, I am here to assist you with your complaint. What is the nature of the issue you wish to complain about?
Ben: I beg your pardon?
ChatGPT: I apologize if I misunderstood your previous statement. Could you please clarify what you would like to complain about so that I can assist you appropriately?
Ben: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, is it?
I apologize if I have misunderstood your previous statements or questions. Please let me know how I can assist you further.
Ben: I wish to complain. I got on the train to Bolton and found myself deposited here in Ipswich
ChatGPT: I'm sorry to hear about the inconvenience you've experienced. However, as an artificial intelligence language model, I'm not affiliated with any specific train or transportation company. I suggest contacting the train company's customer service or filing a complaint with the appropriate governing body to address the issue you've encountered. They may be able to assist you with resolving the issue and offering any necessary compensation or refunds.
Ben: The pet shop owner's brother was lying
ChatGPT: I see. If you believe that the pet shop owner's brother was lying, you could consider filing a complaint with the appropriate authorities, such as the Better Business Bureau or local consumer protection agency. Additionally, you could consider leaving a negative review or sharing your experience on social media to warn others about potential issues with the pet shop.
Ben: If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop
ChatGPT: If you choose to return to the pet shop, you could speak to the owner about your concerns and attempt to resolve the issue with them directly. You may also want to bring any evidence or documentation that you have to support your claim. Remember to remain calm and professional when discussing the issue, and be open to finding a mutually acceptable solution.
Ben: I understand that this is Bolton
ChatGPT: I apologize for any confusion earlier. If you have any concerns or complaints related to your travel experience or the information provided to you, I would suggest contacting the relevant transportation company or authority, such as the train operator or a customer service representative. They may be able to address your concerns and provide further information.
Ben: You told me that it was Ipswich
ChatGPT: I apologize for any confusion earlier. As an artificial intelligence language model, I do not have the ability to provide information about specific locations or travel details. If you have any concerns or complaints related to your travel experience or the information provided to you, I would suggest contacting the relevant transportation company or authority, such as the train operator or a customer service representative. They may be able to address your concerns and provide further information.
Ben: A pun????
ChatGPT: I apologize if my previous response appeared to be a pun. It was not intended to be one. As an AI language model, I strive to provide helpful and informative responses to the best of my ability. If you have any further questions or concerns, please let me know and I will do my best to assist you.
Ben: A palindrome?
ChatGPT: No, my previous response was not a palindrome either. It was a straightforward statement intended to clarify any confusion or misunderstanding. A palindrome is a word, phrase, or sequence of characters that reads the same backward as forward, such as "racecar" or "level."
Ben: It's not a palindrome. The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob. It don't work
ChatGPT: You are correct. I apologize for my mistake. The correct palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob," as famously demonstrated by Monty Python in their sketch "The Dead Parrot." Thank you for pointing that out.
Ben: No, I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue this line of enquiry any longer, as I think this is getting too silly.
ChatGPT: I understand. Is there anything else I can assist you with?
The Weekly Plugs
A Plug for Myself
Read my Q&A with Bluey director Richard Jeffery.