I'm So Ashamed
Ugh. I suck
I should’ve given you this post at the start of the week, but I have a good excuse for my lateness, which is: I was chased by a rhino.
OK, that’s not really an excuse, per se, but I did honestly get chased by a rhino. Seriously: look at this.
Isn’t that amazing? I’ve been going to zoos most of my life and every time I see something amazing in its way, but this is the first time a rhino has chased me.
I mean, she chased the whole bus, not just me. I assume it wasn’t me, specifically, she was after.
In fact, she probably wasn’t after anything in particular. Sadly, this rhino, by the name of Kipenzi, recently had a baby, which passed away just a few days old, after a failure of the mother to bond with the infant. What this means is that Kipenzi is currently flooded with hormones that are confusing the hell out of her, one manifestation of which is that when the safari buses come through she’s developed an inclination to come up and try to rub up against them. And to chase them, without any clear idea of why - if a rhino ever has an especially clear idea of why it does anything.
Which is not to insult rhinos: for their own purposes, they seem to be among the animal kingdom’s clearer thinkers. Certainly when you watch a rhino herd going about its business you get a powerful sense of a species that knows what it likes and sticks to it. But they don’t have a lot of need for sophisticated abstract thought, and it’s to be hoped that Kipenzi doesn’t have to deal with confusing brain chemistry much longer.
But it is a VERY exciting experience to be chased by a rhino. It’s phenomenal to have that amount of wild animal thundering along in such close proximity. It’s also incredible that the whole time Kipenzi was chasing us, her boyfriend was chasing HER, probably wishing he had the power of speech so that he could yell out, “Hey babe, it’s OK, stop running, let’s talk”.
In the end, both Kipenzi and her partner slowed down and stopped chasing us when Kipenzi’s grandma woke up and wandered over to offer her calming influence and grandmotherly wisdom. It was rather sweet really.
The next day we went to Melbourne Zoo and saw an elephant try to have sex with another elephant but they couldn’t quite coordinate themselves properly and gave up, in my opinion, entirely too easily.
The point is, whether you’re being chased by a rhino or watching an elephant’s cock wave about in the breeze as he fails to properly mount his girlfriend: nature is beautiful.
The Weekly Creativity
I feel so bad, not just about my tardiness with this week’s post, but also that last week I gave you that dumb sentimental feelings thingy, that here is a special thing in honour of the fact that Easter was reasonably recent. It is an Easter story I wrote many years ago. Please do not read it if you are easily offended or have particularly high standards.
The Story of Easter
Jesus stood, brooding, in the garden, watching the fronds bend gently in the light breeze. Fronds, he thought. What an odd word. Some people liked to make puns about fronds, but he couldn't, because he didn't speak English. He moodily flicked his cigarette onto the grass and breathed deeply. It was a warm, balmy night. Reminded him of Paris in the springtime. He didn't know what that meant.
A shadowy figure was crossing the lawn. He smiled wryly. Wryly. Another odd word. No vowels. Somehow Jesus found that incredibly sexy. He raised a hand and waved casually.
"Judas."
The hulking half-Japanese Welshman grinned and shook Jesus's hand. "Good to see you Jesus." There was an awkward pause as they both looked shyly at each other. Then, the dam hanging in the air like a thick cheese broke, and they flung themselves into each other's arms, kissing deeply and passionately.
"God I've missed you," Jesus mumbled into Judas's thick lustrous hair.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. How about we go get some lobster."
Jeses grinned. "You saucy ape," he twinkled, pinching Judas's rump. The big man giggled, and they chased each other round and round the garden, finally falling exhausted upon the grass and staring at the stars.
"That's Orion," said Judas, pointing up at one shining constellation. "It's named after an ancient Greek myth where a rabbit gets turned into a man and studies architecture."
"You're such a beautiful brainless fuck," replied his lover. There was a comfortable pause. Jesus lit a new cigarette and inhaled with satisfaction. "I heard from my father today."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"What does he want now?"
"He wants me to go kill myself."
"You've got to stand up to him, Jesus, or this is never going to end."
"I know, I know," Jesus puffed smoke into the night sky. "It's just so hard, you know? He gets that look on his face, you know the one."
"I've never met him," Judas pointed out. "Which is another thing..."
"Oh stop! I'll introduce you soon, I promise. But for now..." Jesus leapt on top of Judas and ripped open his shirt, "enough talking, bitch."
The air of Jerusalem was soon rent by pants and grunts as Christ took his pleasure the only way he knew how. The sudden appearance of a platoon of Roman soldiers at first seemed like a particularly arousing twist, but quickly turned ugly...
***********************************************************
Pilate stared at Jesus. "So you are the one they call the King of the Jews?"
"Yes, that's right. And I can prove it!" Jesus exclaimed, placing a gold foil crown on his head at a jaunty angle. The onlookers gasped. Several Roman guards collapsed to the floor and started screaming. They had been attacked by wolves.
As the mighty wild dogs feasted, Pilate eyed Jesus with a sardonic smile. "If you are truly the King of the Jews, perhaps you would humour me with a little demonstration of your kingly powers."
"Of course."
The Roman pointed to a small statue of a suckling pig. "Turn that statue into a sunflower," he ordered.
Jesus stared at him. "How the hell would that prove I am the King of the Jews?" he blurted out, realising his mistake too late. Pilate cackled in triumph.
"I have you now!" he screamed. "You will NEVER escape!" And so saying, he tore off his toga, exposing the soft flesh beneath, and peeled off his human face, revealing...a SKULL!
As the nightmare played out on the palatial marble, Judas watched from his secret window. "Not like this..." he sobbed under his breath. "I never meant it to turn out...like THIS!"
*********************************************************************
Storm crows circled the square as the Jerusalem crowd jostled and bayed for blood. "Release Barabbas!" they shouted.
"There's no such person!" Pilate shouted back. "You made that name up!"
The crowd assumed a panicked look, and ran off.
*********************************************************************
Hanging on the cross, nails through his hands and feet, Jesus pondered his situation. He couldn't help but feel, that after a few hours of this, it would cease to be romantic. The Romans had taken away his foil crown and replaced it with thorns. He was upset about this: he'd had to eat a lot of hot dogs to get enough foil to make that crown. On either side of him was a common criminal, snivelling and blowing their noses indiscriminately. He screwed his face up with disgust. He spat. The vinegar they'd given him to drink was of an incredibly poor quality. Not like the vinegar he used to drink at home. Ah, home. He smiled happily, remembering the days in the old carpentry shop, hammering, sawing, standing naked and sweaty listening at his parents' bedroom door. All his parents ever did in there was recite Hebrew prayers and build model ships, but to him, it had been incredibly exciting.
Right now, a strange woman was weeping at his feet. He squinted down. Who the hell WAS she? Realisation dawned, and he cringed. Oh God, it's HER. Dammit, he admonished himself. Never give a big tip, they get all attached.
"Give up!" he yelled down. "They took my wallet!" Weeping, the woman crept away and began propositioning rabbis at the bar which had been set up on the other side of the dancefloor. Jesus pondered the tastefulness of holding crucifixions at a disco, but then, it wasn't his business.
He felt a sting in his side and looked down to discover he had been stabbed. A long spear was dangling out of him. "Oi!" he shouted. "That's well out of order!" The Roman who had done it blushed prettily but said nothing. "That really fucking hurt!" Jesus yelled. "OW!"
Blood dripped upon the polished tiles. Jesus knew his time was coming. Looking into the distance, he thought he saw a bright light approaching. He smiled beatifically and winced when the lightbulb hit him in the nose.
God, he wished he had a cigarette. And where was Judas? Typical man, use you for sex and then leave you hanging, he thought bitterly. Oh, he'd made excuses. Had to go run into a field and have his intestines burst. He'd heard that one before. Bastard. If he didn't have such a massive-
He heard a cock crow, confusing him. His head drooped. What a fucking day...
************************************************
The disciples sat gloomily around the table. "So," said Peter, trying to lighten the mood, "I brought Uno."
It was at that point, just when the other disciples were about to start beating and molesting Peter, that the window flew open and a blinding white light shone upon them all. They gasped as a vision entered, riding a small pink pony.
"J-J-Jesus?" stammered John.
"The very same!" the vision announced in a triumphant Spanish accent. "I am here to free you all! Aieeee!"
"I don't believe it," said Thomas. "Jesus is dead. We all saw him, we all buried him, we all stole his clothes and his watch and ate bits of him. How can that be Jesus? Anyway, Jesus never wore a cape." He folded his arms and began sulking, staring furiously at the toybox.
"Ah, ye of little faith!" Jesus drawled. "Shall I then prove myself to YOU?" He held out his hands and showed Thomas the ragged holes, the dried blood covering them, and as Thomas gazed in wonder upon them, he stabbed him in the back of the head with a cutlass. Thomas fell upon the floor, and a mighty cheer went up.
"Come on, lads!" Jesus shouted. "I have a ship waiting! To Barbary!"
And so the joyous band of outlaws set off on their journey, robbing the rich and fighting for Brazilian independence. And thus is the message of Easter.
The End.
The Weekly Plugs
A Plug for someone else
If you’re not already an avid fan of Dinosaur Comics, it’s well past time you rectified that.
A Plug for myself
SPACE AND BEYOND! Part III. Please watch and like and comment so I can in some way convince myself that doing things is a good idea.