Masterchef Recap: Dead Tigers and Body Snatcher Crepes

Never before have so many eaten so little of so much

It’s the third night of Viral Week, the week in which everyone on the show gets Ebola. It’s also a TEAM CHALLENGE, which is fun for everyone: the contestants because they get to wear different coloured aprons; the viewers because we get to see the contestants trying to restrain their justifiable fury at each other; and the judges because they are extremely well paid for the easiest job in the world.

Today’s team challenge is also the first service challenge for the season. The Masterchef garden will play host to “hundreds of hungry diners” according to Poh. “Nothing goes viral like a good old-fashioned pop-up restaurant,” she adds, with nobody demanding she show evidence for this assertion.

The cooks will be divided into six teams of three, with the top two teams joining Alyona in tomorrow’s immunity challenge. Each team has two hours to come up with a perfect dish. “The diners aren’t the only ones you have to impress today,” says Andy, by which he means that they don’t have to impress the diners at all. The diners’ opinions mean absolutely nothing, as always. The judges will be determining the winners. The teams can literally ignore all of the diners if they want to, it makes no difference whatsoever.

There will also be a “mystery judge” - a mystery to the cooks, that is, not to us, because we are immediately shown who the mystery judge is. She is some woman who posts videos of herself eating online. That’s all it takes to be a hit, kids: just eat food on your phone. We do indeed all live in Hell.

Oh well, on we go. The teams rush into the kitchen to plan their dish and gather their ingredients. Casper is leading the yellow team, which is making a dessert with mangoes. Casper explains that the decision to make a dessert was strategic: the strategy is “make a dessert”.

Out in the garden the judges discuss Andy’s pathological need to say “viral” every six seconds. Sofia is wearing a stunning green suit that comes up quite high. Poh is wearing a beautiful gown that comes down quite low. Unfortunately we’re going to see a lot more shots of food than of them.

On the purple team, Emily wants to know how spicy to make the…something. I don’t know. They keep saying weird words. Vinnie says it has to be quite spicy but on the other hand who cares, it doesn’t matter, life is a farce no matter how spicy your food is. Petro absorbs the lesson and begins preparing a dish of igneous rock.

On the red team, Grace assumes the captain role and pretends that Luke and Pat begged her to. They’re making tacos, I think, out of tiger meat. I mean I wasn’t paying much attention but Grace definitely said “tiger”. It’s quite an innovative idea, if you ask me. Very few Masterchef contestants in the past have cooked tiger, so it’s something new for sure. Endangered species should feature more in cooking shows. Luke is in charge of making the tortillas, which he doesn’t know how to do. As he flails hopelessly at his dough, he slips deeper and deeper into a terrifying trance. He becomes unresponsive as he stares, dead-eyed, at the tortillas that have captured his soul.

The blue team is making a crispy pork belly roti. Hannah explains that this involves stuffing a bunch of stuff into some bread. Andy and Sofia don’t understand this, even though it is an extremely simple concept and even an idiot like me understands it. Andy tells Hannah that it will never work - nobody has ever put meat inside bread and lived. “You’re trying to do something that’s never been done before!” he rants, demanding Hannah’s resignation from the Royal Academy. Hannah says it was Lydia’s idea anyway, she had nothing to do with it, she just wants to make her kids proud, there being four of them of whom she is their mum.

Lydia asks whether changing the bread to pita will fix their dish. Aaron and Hannah say pita is too thick. Hannah suggests they just chuck everything on the plate and tell the diners to make it themselves, the lazy shits. The blue team breathes a sigh of relief as they agree: they will do basically the same thing they were going to do before. This is the kind of quick, improvisational thinking that makes these guys superstars.

Dot has taken charge of the green team by threatening to spit cherry pits at anyone who defies her. After taking charge, she instructs Kanika to be the captain. “Why do you want me to be the captain?” she asks. “Because you’re good!” Dot says, so Kanika knows she’s lying. Kanika thinks it would be better for Dot to be the captain as the dish - which is apparently an Indian burger with a potato patty - is her idea. But Dot thinks Kanika needs to be captain because then Dot can blame her when this terrible dish turns out to be terrible. Olaolu chases Kanika around the kitchen begging her to tell him what the dish is. Kanika explains it. Olaolu looks around to see whether any other team might want to adopt him.

Over on the orange team Miin is determined to prove that he is technically on the show. He forces Annabel to eat some of his spice. She leaves her body and floats around in the rafters for a bit, before telling Miin that she is a white girl and therefore he must never do that to her again. Everyone has a good laugh.

Back to yellow, where Casper explains that he is going to make his crepes extremely salty. Poh thinks this sounds fun, as she’s always eating desserts and wishing they were more like a bag of chips. Jean-Christophe enthusiastically reminds Casper that his first job was making crepes. Casper asks if Jean-Christophe could perhaps stand a little bit further away from him. Jean-Christophe says he can’t because he is French.

The judges gather to discuss how stupid everyone is. Nobody believes Luke has it in him to make tortillas from scratch. Kids these days, they agree.

On the red team, Luke is very nervous, as nothing on the global ping pong circuit has prepared him for this kind of pressure. He needs to individually roll each tortilla out, and he has seven done, while within the next hour he needs approximately eight thousand. He may need to pick up the pace. Grace does not verbally abuse him, but her eyes betray her hatred. “We need to punch out a million tortillas,” she says, her madness spiralling out of control.

The yellow team are making crepes, and are understandably depressed about it. The crepes are sticking to the pan, and are too fragile, because Casper failed to instil resilience in them during childhood. They’re also developing big bubbles and look kind of like a toxic swamp on an alien planet. Maybe that’s how crepes are supposed to look though, I don’t know. I don’t understand any of this.

Over on the blue team, they are congratulating themselves on the brilliant idea of making the customer do all the work, while Lydia steels herself to face the hot plate, who she used to date.

Out in the garden hundreds of cheap people have arrived for their free meal. They have no idea how disappointed they’re about to be. Meanwhile Miin explains his concept of food that you can put in your mouth. This could be his secret weapon.

Luke is still making tortillas, and Grace has begun to help him, which is good of her given she is way out his league. They’ve made about a hundred, even though they actually only need to make five for the judges.

On the green team, Jean-Christophe is shocked to discover that they have not made their potato patties yet. Kanika explains that they are potato and sweet potato mixed together. Jean-Christophe explains that he knows that, he’s not an idiot. He demonstrates how sweet potato is a different texture to potato, and mixing them together could result in something truly dreadful, and with ten minutes to go maybe they should’ve tested this idea out before now. Kanika suddenly realises why Dot wanted her to be captain. Dot busies herself at a distant bench, considering this conversation to be none of her business.

Out in the garden the “mystery judge” is making a video of all the people waiting for food. “It’s so exciting!” she squeals incorrectly.

Back in the kitchen, Dot takes action and demands that the sweet potato be reduced to a bare minimum. She wants more cheese, and orders Olaolu to put on a DVD of Graham Kennedy’s Blankety Blanks. Kanika wanders off wondering what the hell being captain even means.

The purple team puts together their tacos and tastes them. Alyona, up on the balcony, asks if she can have one, as she has not been allowed to eat all day. Everyone thinks spending the day up there is great, but you don’t get any food and there are no toilets. This is why the judges usually give dish of the day to the contestants they hate the most.

Time is up. This doesn’t mean much, because it’s a service challenge, and they have no obligations to the losers outside, so being late won’t affect anything. But the judges are at the judging table, along with “mystery judge” Lily, who has millions of followers who have never heard of entertainment. “I’m doing what I love,” says Lily, “Eating, travelling, sharing my thoughts”. That’s right. That’s literally all she does. She eats food and says that she likes it, and millions of people follow her and she gets to be on Masterchef. That’s all it takes. That is how life is. Get used to it. Everything you’re doing right now is futile.

The orange team serves first, their pork rendang tostadas. Lily loves it, and says that she loves it, and millions cheer her brilliance. The other judges love it too, and Andy says “viral” some more. He thinks the best part of the dish is that it’s called pork rendang tostada. The others smile and nod, knowing there’s no point arguing.

In the kitchen, Grace is frying her tiger meat. Pat asks if she’s dressed. Grace says she hasn’t. This is all getting a bit steamy. Luke starts bringing the tiger tacos out to the diners. Everyone cheers despite having no idea who Luke is. The judges eat the tiger tacos. “It looks pretty good,” says Poh in tones of pure distaste. “That tortilla is insane,” says Andy, after a taco pulls a knife on him. The tiger tacos don’t have enough sauce. The noble cat died for nothing.

On the blue team, Hannah is keeping an eye on the pork. Wink wink. The pork is not ready yet. “We’ve got hungry people out there waiting,” says Hannah anxiously, but fortunately, this is irrelevant and there is no downside whatsoever to keeping them waiting. What are they going to do, ask for their money back?

Meanwhile on the purple team, Vinnie is feeling very proud of his fish taco, by which I am almost sure he means the food they’ve cooked. “Every dish needs to be the exact same as each other,” he says, inexplicably. The judges eat the fish tacos. They look confused. “I think it’s absolutely delicious,” says Lily, causing several lifestyle brands to offer her lucrative sponsorship deals. “The taco, oh my god!” cries Jean-Christophe, moved beyond words. Poh thinks the strength of this fish dish is the fish, if you can believe that. Andy, however, has got some dry fish and is deeply disappointed. “What a shame,” Poh sarcastically sneers.

The blue team is somewhere near ready to actually give people some food. Lydia, despite being barely conscious, begins to serve. “Here’s some stuff to make tacos with,” she says. “Put it together yourself, dickheads.” The judges eat the tacos. They are eating a shitload of tacos today I must say. “This is what I love to see,” says Lily, pointing to figures showing that the traditional media sector is dead. Andy is happy that the blue team simplified their dish by arranging their ingredients in a slightly different shape, rather than going with their insanely over-complicated idea of doing basically the same thing.

Olaolu, still not really knowing what the green team’s dish is, serves it. The judges eat it. It is a “cheese ball vada pav”, which surprisingly is not a taco. Instead it is a burger except without the good bit. “I love the creativity of this dish,” says Lily, checking her bank balance. Andy thinks that cheese is nice. Jean-Christophe thinks there’s too much bread and would like to see the green team arrested.

It’s time for dessert and the yellow team’s crepes. The crepes are green and brown and give the impression that they are here to take over the bodies of humans. The judges try it. Andy is surprised the crepes aren’t rolled up. Lily is surprised that anyone still watches terrestrial television. They all find the dish difficult to eat and almost as unpleasant as it looks. “I think we’re all a little bit underwhelming,” says Andy, which is either a verbal slip or brutal honesty.

It’s all over, and the freeloaders all go home to their pathetic, non-viral lives. The teams assemble in front of the judges and give Lily a round of applause to acknowledge her unmatched talent for pointing her phone at herself during meals. Poh says that two teams stood out: the orange team (Miin, Jackie, Annabel) and the blue team (Hannah, Lydia, Aaron). They are cooking in tomorrow’s immunity challenge. The others will have to go to the balcony and share one bucket between them.

Tune in tomorrow, when everyone has to pretend yet again to know who some internet knob is.