Masterchef Recap: Flaming Pie

What lies beneath the crust will shock you

It’s “Aussie Classics Week”, and you know what that means - this is going to be AWFUL. It’s going to be awful anyway because Lydia is gone, but they’re going to make it even awfuller by doing “Aussie” things all week. And bringing in Australian guest judges, to contrast with all the Australian guest judges they’ve already had.

Anyway, it’s a mystery box. “We’re celebrating something that’s close to every Australian’s heart,” says Poh, producing a can of vodka from her pocket. The cooks then have to kneel and kiss the feet of Curtis Stone, whose fee for appearing in one episode a year is more than the remainder of the entire show’s budget. Everyone is very excited to meet Curtis and experience firsthand his iconic mixture of barely-repressed anger and general misanthropy.

In each mystery box is either a pie or an ice-cream. The cooks who have a pie must make a pie. The cooks who have an ice-cream must make an ice-cream, because god knows we don’t see enough people making ice-cream on this show. Curtis reveals that the makers of the best pie and ice-cream will have their product rolled out in Coles stores tomorrow, by which he means in several months after the episode airs. The opportunity to have your creation on the shelves of a major supermarket, where millions of Australians will walk past it on their way to buy something they actually want, is priceless, and it adds a real edge of significance to this otherwise totally pointless exercise.

The challenge begins. At no point have the judges told the cooks that they are not allowed to just serve the dish that they found in the box, but none of these cowards are willing to try it. “There’s a lot to play for today,” says Poh, dishonestly. “It’s so fun!” says Curtis, even less honestly. “Curtis, you know your pies,” says Andy, meaning it as an insult. Curtis reveals that it is possible to make more than one kind of pie. “We put mustard in our crusts sometimes,” he says, causing the judges to reel in shock. Jean-Christophe says he’d like to make a parma pie, having started drinking very early this morning.

Hannah now delivers a lengthy monologue about her carefree pie-centric lifestyle - apparently back home barely a day goes by when she does not bake an enormous pile of pies on which her family can recline. Today she is making a cheeseburger pie, a fiendishly difficult concoction that involves putting a cheeseburger in a pie.

Luke makes the brave decision to reveal that he grew up in a very big family, which is why ice-cream is very close to his heart - when you have a big family you have to eat a lot of ice-cream because there’s just no time for anything else. Not like small families, who don’t even own freezers. He is making lemon meringue pie ice-cream, which is cheating because it is a pie and an ice-cream at the same time. “You’ve got a lot to do,” says Andy. “Yes I do,” says Luke, “I hope nobody holds me up by hanging around my bench talking shit.”

“To me, a family-sized pie is all about comforting food and comforting flavours,” says Grace, whose provocative theories have already caused controversy in the academy. She is just about to outline her plan to use a pork pie to get a date with Curtis, when she is interrupted by Andy suffering a large brown stain on his trousers. These moments, common as they are, are rarely caught on camera.

We learn from Dot that pies are very popular in New Zealand, unlike other countries where they are mysterious and exotic. She tells a story about band camp that, compared to other stories about band camp we may have heard in the past, ends very disappointingly. She’s making a butter chicken pie, which…actually that sounds kind of nice. “Tell us about your pie,” says Curtis, which is the moment when the word “pie” really does start to sound really dodgy. “I like chicken breast,” says Dot, unnecessarily suggestively.

Dot, 2008

Hey, there’s Jack! Hi Jack!

Aaron feels like ninety minutes for a pie isn’t much time, and he resents us for making him try. He’s never even made a pie before, believing that it’s fundamentally immoral to do so. “How do you make an eggplant pie as satisfying as a meaty one?” Sofia asks him, and Aaron reveals that you don’t: in fact an eggplant pie is by definition much worse than a meat pie, and he is deliberately making one to ruin the judges’ day.

Pat has a poignant story about ice-cream: apparently when he was a kid, sometimes he used to have some. It’s hard for us to imagine what that kind of magical childhood was like. He is making an apple pie to go with his ice-cream, which is cheating even worse than Luke is. “That’s hilarious,” says Poh, who doesn’t catch a lot of comedy. Pat is also making a crumb to put in his ice-cream. The judges worry that one crumb might not be enough, and he should consider making several crumbs, but Pat sticks to his guns, figuring that if he doesn’t remain true to his principles, what has he become?

There’s a bit where Emily says a bunch of words regarding her ice-cream, but I don’t know what any of the words mean, or how to spell them, so I’m just going to ignore that. Jack also says some things about his pie, but the audience is strongly encouraged to ignore those too.

Annabel loves ice-cream. “I’m going to do a classic creme anglaise, but I’m going to put some coconut in it,” she says. So you’re not doing a classic creme anglaise, are you, Annabel? How about you try to go one day without lying to us? She is also testing the judges’ patience by using milk in her ice-cream. Annabel believes that her life as a nurse has prepared her well for Masterchef, and proves it by injecting a coconut with pethidine.

The judges get together to discuss the dishes and look at Sofia’s legs. Everyone is very excited about the pies and the ice-creams and their salaries. They are especially excited about Hannah’s cheeseburger pie, which is coming along nicely. “It looks like a giant cheeseburger,” says Hannah, over a shot of a pie that looks not even remotely like a giant cheeseburger. In fact, against all expectations, it looks kind of like a pie.

Luke has bitten off more than he can chew, but this is mainly because he can’t chew much. He checks his ice-cream. It is frozen, which is good, but he hasn’t put it in the ice-cream machine yet, which is bad. Essentially he’s frozen his ice-cream before it’s actually become ice-cream, and if there’s one thing the ice-cream gourmets recommend, it’s not doing that. It may be that Luke just wasn’t made for ice-cream, although this seems impossible given he grew up in a big family and all. “It’s all kind of falling apart,” says Luke, speaking for us all. His only hope is if ice-cream melts, something science has yet to determine.

Artist’s impression of Luke’s ice-cream

Casper is in this show also.

There’s thirty minutes to go, proving the truth of the old adage, “time goes painfully slowly when you’re making pies and ice-cream for Curtis Stone”. Annabel has reached a crucial point of the cook, so Poh and Curtis come over to distract her. Curtis starts eating her ingredients without consent, which tells you all you need to know about Curtis. “These flavours remind me of something,” he says. It’s ice-cream. They remind him of ice-cream.

Andy and Sofia visit Grace, who drew the short straw and doesn’t get to have Curtis come over and stick a spoon in her dish. They ask her how her pork and fennel pie is going. Grace gives them a persuasive cover story, knowing it’s vital that she not reveal the truth about her pie. “If you’re making a pie, it needs to be in the oven now!” shouts Curtis, which really isn’t helpful at all. Some of their pies aren’t in the oven now, so what the hell are they supposed to do, Curtis? Use their time machines to go back and put them in? How about you offer something constructive you great lanky goof? To hammer the point home, he harasses Aaron, telling him to put his pie in the oven. Aaron is trying to finish filling his pie and putting the pastry on top. Curtis tells him he needs to put it in the oven. Aaron KNOWS he has to put it in the oven, but it’s not READY to put in the oven, so he has to GET it ready before he puts it in the oven. Curtis tells him to put it in the oven. Aaron really wants to hit Curtis in his oversized face with a frying pan, but he carries on putting his pie together. Curtis won’t shut up about the fucking oven. “I KNOW!” Aaron shrieks.

Finally, later that week, Aaron puts his pie in the oven.

Pat’s ice-cream is in the freezer and his apple pie is in the oven and he’s feeling damn smug. So he should: his apple pie looks amazing. Frankly I think he’s made a better pie than anyone who actually had to make a pie. “If I saw this ice-cream flavour in Coles I’d definitely grab a tub,” he says, though this doesn’t mean much as his face would be on the tub.

Dot has her pie out, if you know what I mean. She’s very happy as her band camp-inspired pie does look exactly like an oboe. She must now remove the pie from the pan, and Andy and Sofia are there to watch, perverts that they are. The pie emerges perfectly and there are no problems and it’s very bad television.

Time ticks away and pies keep coming out of ovens. Grace has her pie but doesn’t know how to get it out. She should ask Dot, but instead she decides to ad-lib. She pokes around the edges and assaults it with spatulas and asks her colleagues for advice, a request that goes unanswered by the selfish bastards.

Luke has rescued his ice-cream. He hopes that the ice-cream is the star of the dish, which is probably a reasonable hope given that the ice-cream is the entirety of the dish. Meanwhile Aaron is watching his pie in the oven, not willing to take it out until he is sure that it understands why what it did was wrong, and Grace has finally flipped her pie out of the dish, causing the crust to fall apart. Now THAT, Poh, is “hilarious”.

With one minute to go Aaron takes out his pie, burns his hands severely, and gets it on a plate. For some reason literally everyone except Grace finds the task of getting a pie out of a pie dish incredibly easy. There should be a special webisode explaining this.

Anyway time is up and the judges get to overeat. Hannah gets to be first, with her cheeseburger pie. Andy asks her how she managed to make a pie that tastes like a cheeseburger. Hannah replies that she put the flavours of a cheeseburger into a pie. Everyone gasps. “This should come with a toy,” says Sofia. “And some batteries maybe.” Sofia’s mind isn’t really on the pie. But everyone else reckons it’s a pretty good pie, and so do I. I can finally honestly say that I would eat Hannah’s pie any day. Everyone is so happy about the cheeseburger pie that it seems a shame they have to eat any of the crap anyone else has made.

Next is Grace with her pork and fennel pie that has cracked apart and is barely even a pie anymore. “I feel like this is going to be pretty embarrassing,” she says, but she’s wrong: “going to be” passed ages ago. She explains her problem with getting the pie out of the tin. The judges laugh at her, revelling in her public humiliation and drawing strength from her pain. They taste the “pie”, and say that it’s absolutely great apart from the ways in which it is dreadful.

Next is Annabel and her coconut, cherry and chocolate ice-cream, which does seem a bit show-offy. The judges think it’s fantastic. “I’m going to cry,” says Jean-Christophe, surprised by just how much onion is in the ice-cream. All the judges praise and fawn and drool and slobber all over Annabel’s ice-cream in a frankly unseemly display.

And now: Aaron, with his just-in-time spicy miso eggplant and coconut pie. He doesn’t know whether it’s going to be cooked on the inside. The judges’ expectations are not high. “I really admire you coming up here, trying something you’ve never tried before,” says Curtis, even though the terms of the task gave Aaron literally no choice. Aaron’s pie is not good, but apart from not actually being cooked there’s a lot to like about it if you ignore the taste. Sofia tells him his vegetarian pie needs some chicken, not really understanding what “vegetarian” means.

Next is Vinnie and some ice-cream and bad biscotti. Then Alyona and a beef and onion pie which is all right sort of. Then Jack who accidentally filled his pie with leather instead of meat.

Now Dot and her butter chicken band camp sexual experimentation pie. It’s got chicken in it so that should satisfy Sofia’s insatiable urge for poultry. Everyone agrees that Dot’s pie is a pie and there’s no getting away from that. Sofia admits that she felt sad when Dot said “chicken breast”, because she’s naturally prudish, but in the end the ol’ rooster-tits gambit has paid off. It’s one of the best butter chicken pies the judges have tasted this afternoon.

Emily has made some ice-cream that shocks Curtis to his core. Jackie has made a pie that causes amnesia. Casper is wearing a hat so his pie is uneventful. Petro has made an ice-cream that causes Andy to use the phrase “mad props”, which is very unfortunate.

And now…Luke, who you’ll remember comes from a big family. His ice-cream is lemon meringue and nothing else. “The ice-cream is phenomenal,” says Andy, and he’s glad Luke didn’t end up making a cake because he hates cake and would’ve spat it out. Luke gets a round of applause for not making everyone sick.

Pat has some salted caramel ice-cream with biscuit crumb and apple pie and Jesus Christ it looks incredible. “Are you trying to kill us, Pat?” asks Poh, whose suspicions have been growing for some weeks. Pat looks nervously around the room, knowing he’ll have to escape quickly if his plan is rumbled. Despite the very real risk of death, the judges eat Pat’s dessert and instantly experience a simultaneous multiple orgasm. “All these really Australian tastes,” says Sofia, and we are all sad knowing that we will never know what she means by this. “The pie is funny,” says Andy, and it’s true: all the judges laugh. You had to be there.

It is time for judgment to be passed a la Nuremberg. Who will win and gain immunity from elimination and also get bunged into Coles tomorrow?

Firstly, the best pie is Hannah’s, which is great because now I can go get one, which I’ll be doing as soon as I finish this. Secondly, the best ice-cream is Pat’s, finally putting to rest the myth that you can’t make good ice-cream with a beard.

Joy is unconfined, proving the heartlessness of these people, because Lydia only JUST left and now they’re acting like she was never there. They make me sick.

Tune in tomorrow, when Curtis is back even though nobody wants him there.