Masterchef Recap: Just Like Fire Would

Maaaaaaarion

PREVIOUSLY ON MASTERCHEF: Alyona’s unfortunate reception of a cursed recipe caused her to fail to effectively construct a seaweed-flavoured sex toy and sent her home amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

This leaves only one woman among the final seven cooks in the competition, as Masterchef leans increasingly into its new place as the number one cooking show in the manosphere. Under the increasingly oppressive climate of misogyny in the kitchen, can Annabel triumph against the patriarchy?

But anyway, a new week has begun and it is “Heat Week”, the week in which all of the amateurs must evade the LAPD as they carry out a series of audacious bank heists.

As the amateurs enter, they see that their mystery boxes are lit from within by a mysterious light, as if the fires of hell itself were shining forth to spread evil across the land.

The top dish each day this week wins immunity, leaving the losers at the end of the week to claw and backstab each other. The first challenge has been set by Masterchef legend Marion Grasby, who appeared on the show sixteen years ago, since when she has built a global empire of food, recipes and content that is certainly not a front for an exotic reptile-smuggling business.

Marion comes into the kitchen and delivers the news that she has been quite well of late, shocking all. She tells the story of how she risked everything for success in the culinary world, and achieved all her dreams, hammering home just how unlikely it is that any of this year’s contestants will ever do the same.

She then makes some dumplings so that everyone is clear on how you make dumplings. As it is Heat Week, she makes sure to emphasise that when making dumplings, you should use heat. She also uses “ingredients” to make a “sauce”. Casper is inspired and decides that he will be using ingredients in all his cooking from now on.

And now on to the challenge…wait, no, Marion isn’t finished. She’s going to make a Bombe Alaska, which she makes with pepper and chilli so that it will hurt anyone who eats it. It’s a great lesson in how even with traditional desserts, you can use spices to make nobody want to eat it. She also sets fire to the dish as a demonstration of how setting fire to things is a good way of burning them.

And now…can we get to the challenge? Sure you don’t want to make anything else, Marion? Is it OK if we have the actual point of the show at this point? Anyone have any objection to getting on with Masterchef, or shall we continue with the Marion Grasby Arson Hour? No? OK then.

Opening their mystery boxes, the amateurs discover the truth about the eerie glow within: the boxes contain their souls. Also some green leaves and some pork and some mushrooms and ginger and peppercorns and probably some other things for all I know. They can cook anything they like with these ingredients, but it must be spicy and it must, in some way, recreate a scene from the film Backdraft.

Pat is very happy as he is a chilli veteran: at his work, they have “Chilli Club”, where once a month everyone brings in some chilli and rubs it in a co-worker’s eyes. He is looking forward to making someone cry today, with a hot and sour pork soup based on his ex-girlfriend. Andy and Poh come over to emphasise how important it is for Pat to impress a reality show contestant from sixteen years ago, the ultimate challenge.

Less happy is Annabel, who has no idea what she’s doing, having only heard of chilli for the first time this morning. She runs to the pantry for a dictionary.

Meanwhile Aaron has got his family photos out as usual, deciding on a fusion menu combining Italian and Asian elements. Sofia and Marion love the idea, because they are not Poh, who becomes incandescent with rage any time anyone tries to mingle different cultures. “Hopefully the fusion is fusion and not confusion,” says Aaron, auditioning for a role as judge next season.

“I feel good,” says Annabel, proving it via the frozen rictus of panic on her face. “I want to do something fun,” she says, which is a shame because this is Masterchef and that is just not an option. Finally, she decides. “I’m going to do mushroom and pumpkin skewers,” she says, and everyone watching sighs sadly: the pressure has gotten to her. She’s lost her mind. “I don’t think my heart’s in it,” she says, and she’s right: that was not in the mystery box. She’ll have to make do with the mushrooms.

“I forgot how much clapping there was,” says Marion, the first ever guest judge with the guts to call out the show’s fixation on empty applause. “My hands are calloused,” says Sofia, her eyes pleading with Marion to rescue her from this nightmare.

“This is such a fun cook,” says Luke, “I’ve got no idea what half of these even do.” So now he knows what it’s like watching Masterchef. He goes on: “The plan for this dish is to make it quite spicy.” Where he got this idea is a mystery. Poh and Andy visit his bench and demand answers. He makes vague allegations regarding pork belly and air fryers and tofu and roti. Poh and Andy back away slowly, preferring not to get involved.

Vinnie thinks he needs to be a bit more creative, so uses the pork belly to build a Wicker Man. He is also making spiced pumpkin gnocchi, basing his dish heavily on his Italian heritage in a major departure from the norm. Meanwhile Poh and Andy bring their Discouragement Tour to Petro, who confides in them that he is anxious and insecure and wishes he understood his place in the world. He says he wants to play around with tofu cream. “Once you cream it, it turns out into something very rich,” says Poh. “I want you to think about that.” Petro agrees to think about it, and deliver a report by the end of the week. Now what’s he going to do with his tofu? There’s always the bin. The bin could be an option.

“Be precise with your spice!” Poh calls out. Really, Poh? That’s what you’ve got today? “Be precise with your spice”? That is genuinely the best you have to offer us? Jesus Christ. What has happened to this show, man?

Jean-Christophe returns from a skiing holiday in Switzerland and asks the other judges what’s beein going on. They tell him, but he finds it surprisingly dull and is sorry her ever came back. They are excited about Pat’s broth, however, and all are complimentary about Pat’s ability to bring delicious flavours out of his bodily fluids.

Aaron is using chilli oil in the dough of his pasta, which is so crazy it might just work. He is also making a tuile for reasons nobody has been able to figure out. He wants the tuile to look like coral, so he covers it in waste outflow from a nickel smelter.

Vinnie throws his peppercorns in his pan, tastes and declares it “bangin’”. But “bangin’” is not enough - he wants this dish to be genuinely violent. He decides to add some more chilli, so the judges will fully understand how much he hates them. Watching Vinnie manipulate his spices, Casper decides he needs to push himself more, and spices up his own dish with a nice mix of pepper and malice.

“Spice up your life!” Sofia yells, disappointingly. Standards really have plummeted. Annabel is doing the opposite, though. “This dish isn’t something I’d be excited to eat,” she says, catching the public mood beautifully. Jean-Christophe comes round to tell her that mushrooms and pumpkin cook at different rates and so her entire plan is dumb as hell. Annabel already knew this, but forgot because she was concentrating so hard on being underwhelming. “I’m just trying to get a dish up on the plate,” she says, dreaming big, “and I’m just making silly decisions along the way.” To emphasise the point she staples a live mink to her forehead, and tries again with the mushrooms.

There are only ten minutes to go, although after that they’’ have to come back to the kitchen again tomorrow. It just never ends. Life really is pointless when you think about it, isn’t it? Such an empty, futile existence. Oh well. On with the spices.

Annabel’s pumpkin hasn’t cooked. She can’t serve it. She feels sad, as do we all when our pumpkin doesn’t live up to our hopes for it. But still, she carries on and plates up what she’s got, feeling that she has, in a very real sense, earned God’s contempt this day. Time is up and Annabel delivers a heartfelt address to the camera about how much everything sucks.

Petro serves up his dish first. Chargrilled pork belly with Szechuan salt and silken tofu salad. “What you’ve created here is absolutely stunning,” says Andy, meaning this in a vaguely positive way. “This tastes like something I might find in a modern Asian restaurant in Singapore,” says Marion, demanding to know which restaurant he has stolen the dish from. Sofia disagrees, saying the dish is like walking through a smoky street in Bangkok. Restaurant in Singapore or street in Bangkok? The women cannot agree and begin throwing punches.

Vinnie is next. Pumpkin gnocchi with Szechuan and pork sauce. “I like it when people do bad things to traditional food,” says Marion, glorying in her dark side. Vinnie’s dish is extremely hot and makes everyone cough. “Bloody hell,” says Jean-Christophe, which is French for “fuck”. Vinnie has achieved his primary goal: he has ruined the judges’ day. “I actually like the level of heat,” says Marion, as her hair goes up in flames. What she does not like, however, is the bitterness of the dish and of Vinnie’s general outlook. “I kind of like it,” says Poh, lusting for pain. “There’s something that’s nearly happening there,” Sofia chips in, intent on saying nothing of significance. Andy just lies on the floor, frothing at the mouth.

Next is Aaron. Braised pork belly tortellini on whipped silken tofu sauce, with a tuile on top so you don’t see the horrors. “My pasta was really lovely,” says Andy, but has nothing to say about Aaron’s pasta. Everyone really loves Aaron’s dish except for the sauce so who even cares. Marion says that what let him down was balance - if he hadn’t been swaying so violently from side to side as he cooked, he’d have made a better sauce.

Next is Annabel, who hates life and herself. “Marion is someone who I really look up to,” she says, shattered that her dish is basically a slap to Marion’s face. She’s made mushroom skewers with spices and stuff, and seasons it with her tears. “I really want to be here,” Annabel says, but she kind of sounds like she doesn’t. “All right, we’re going to taste your dish,” says Sofia, successfully making this sound like a threat. And they do. “Annabel, that is not as bad as you think,” says Marion, overjoyed that she’s not even vomiting right now. The spice is overpowering, but the judges agree that with hard work and determination, Annabel might one day deserve happiness.

Up steps Pat, or as I call him, “Teacher’s Pat”. You see? Clever, isn’t it? Anyway he’s done a barbecue glazed pork belly with a hot and sour soup, garnished with beard trimmings. The judges reckon it’s all right, but as Poh says, “the broth has let you down”. Pat has learnt a valuable lesson: never trust a broth. Marion asks if he added any sugar to the broth, but she knows the answer, she’s just trying to humiliate him in front of his friends. Behind him everyone sniggers and whispers “can you believe Pat didn’t put sugar in his broth? I can’t believe I used to think he was cool.”

And now, Luke. “The dish doesn’t blow your head off,” he says, talking himself up big. He’s made crispy roast pork with whipped tofu and water spinach roti whatever the hell that is. It is the first dish in years to make Marion feel that life is worth living. “The roti is fire,” says Andy, a nice variation on “the floor is lava”. Luke has made a dish so delicious that there should probably be an official investigation into how this happened. Jean-Christophe reflects that when Luke was three years old watching Marion on TV, he never would have dreamed that one day he would serve her a delicious pork dish and flirt shamelessly with her.

Hey it’s Casper! Braised pork belly with pumpkin and lime puree, pickled shiitakes and god knows what else. There’s heaps of things. “This salt makes your tongue dance,” says Marion, shocked at Casper’s dark magic. “There’s a spicy discotheque in my bush,” says Jean-Christophe, and is promptly arrested. Overall, the judges agree that not only is Casper’s dish supernatural and sexual in a sinister way, but it tastes OK too. Annabel gives Casper a hug of pure hatred.

The dish of the day is to be determined now, with its maker given immunity for the week. But first: more clapping. Christ. The three best cooks were Luke (!), Petro and Casper. Any one of them would be a worthy winner, but only one of them makes the judges fear for their lives if they cross him, and so Casper wins dish of the day and can now stand on the balcony spitting on everyone for the next few days.

Tune in tomorrow when the back of my neck gets dirt and gritty.