Masterchef Recap: The Faraway Tree

Shove some nostalgia right up yourself

It’s Day Two of Nostalgia Week and the amateurs gather around the ol’ swimming hole to play hackey-sack and get a movie and popcorn for a nickel. When they arrive in the kitchen they are confronted by a huge tree, on whose branches hang childhood photos of all the contestants, as well as the withered corpse of Silky the Pixie, who eventually found it all too much.

Everyone looks at the photos and makes emotional mooing sounds and bursts into tears as they remember how once their future seemed full of possibilities and now that’s all gone.

Poh tells the amateurs that today they will have to do cooking inspired by their cultural heritages, making today a very special day that is exactly like every other day because honestly what else do these people ever do? The judges ask Lydia and Alyona and Petro and Olaolu about their heritages. Interestingly they do not ask any of the boring Anglos, who have no cultural heritage and will have to spend today making devon sandwiches. “What does it mean to you to have that photo hanging from the tree?” Andy asks Olaolu. Olaolu says that more than anything it means that the producers have been hacking his phone.

Dot and Aaron won immunity yesterday, so for today they are not allowed to have family histories, and must stand on the balcony, rootless and abandoned.

It is an elimination, but also the top dish today will win a $10,000 prize, courtesy of Ancestry.com. So actually this is just a corporate sponsorship deal, and all of the stuff about honouring your heritage was basically in service of advertising. Nothing is real, kids. The world is dirty and beyond redemption.

When Petro thinks of his heritage, the first thing comes to mind is halloumi, the cheese from which his parents were mostly constructed. Today he is going to make a detailed relief map of Cyprus out of cheese. He shows a photo of his yiayia, to emphasise that everyone better love his dish or they’ll be literally assaulting an old lady. He is cooking next to Vinnie, and a violent brawl breaks out over whether a yiayia is better than a nonna.

Olaolu talks of his love for his Nigerian heritage, while in the background an out-of-focus Poh talks to Jack, explaining that this is the closest he’s getting to screen time today. Meanwhile Miin is making a soup that would normally take two hours, but he doesn’t have two hours so he makes the brave decision to do it badly.

Casper is making golden syrup dumplings, which is what passes for cultural heritage among white people. His fellow white person Grace is making “Mr Wolf Sundae”, a tribute to the wolves who raised her in an abandoned ice-cream factory. She is struggling to get her ice-cream made, however, and is worrying that if she serves a sundae without ice-cream the judges might mark her down a bit. Poh and Andy watch anxiously, wondering why, on this day of all days, Grace did not choose to be from Thailand or Lebanon. Andy asks what Grace’s Plan B is. Her Plan B is to make custard, because who doesn’t love a custard sundae? Some might question if this truly honours her heritage, but in fact it does because when Grace was growing up, her family was almost always failing to do what they said they would.

Vinnie is making Italian food because he is Italian. Annabel is also making pasta, because she is not Italian but she is a human being and everyone eats pasta obviously. We see some adorable photos of Annabel as a child, revealing that yes, she has literally been smiling non-stop since birth. Annabel says she wants people to taste the raw fruit in her pasta. What the hell is going on? “I’m gonna cook with a lot of love today,” she says, opting for love rather than skill.

Luke is extremely passionate about today’s challenge because he comes from a long line of people who want ten thousand dollars. He’s going to make a paella, based on the paella based on his parents, who carried on the family tradition of owning a book with a paella recipe in it.

Hannah’s family are sheep farmers, so she’s making shepherd’s pie, but an elevated shepherd’s pie, because their farm was on top of a hill. Meanwhile Jack is making something but honestly nobody knows or cares what it is.

In a touching homage to the heritage of all the contestants, Sofia is wearing a scarf that symbolises her family’s history of scarves. She tells Andy and Poh about Luke’s paella and they all have a good chuckle. Suddenly Poh appears on the balcony. Is that allowed? I don’t think judges are supposed to go on the balcony. Pretty sure that’s in the rules.

Miin’s noodles are not coming together, which is very disrespectful to his heritage. If he really cared about culture, he would be making noodles properly. Disgusting. After two batches of noodles fail, he has no idea what is going wrong, but he has a Plan B: make a third batch. Meanwhile Annabel is flying high, and recites a list of adjectives to prove it.

Olaolu’s stew is looking delicious, testament to his incredible ability to stay focused despite having to cook while inspirational music constantly plays over everything he does.

Petro is working hard to elevate his dish from a village dish to a Masterchef dish, because on Family Heritage Day, the last thing you want to do is cook the same way your family does. Meanwhile Miin’s third batch of noodles has failed, causing Poh to massage her own shoulders in a concerned fashion. Miin decides on Plan C: run away.

Luke is behind time: he has twelve minutes to go and he’s only gotten as far as reading the Wikipedia page on paella. He throws some squid intestines in a pan and stares at them, willing them to turn into something. Nothing happens. Luke suddenly remembers that he’ll be eliminated if he makes the worst dish today. Of course he doesn’t know about Grace’s custard or Miin’s noodles, so he has no idea how safe he really is. He gets his rice in the pan. It sticks to the pan. He has put much too much glue in his rice and this is the last straw. He thinks there must be a better way to make ten grand, and heads out to buy a gun.

As time runs out, Grace’s ice-cream has actually turned out, so Luke’s looking even more screwed. As time runs out, everyone hugs and mingles their gross sweaty bodies with each other. Ugh.

The first dish to be tasted is Olaolu’s. It is called Efo Riru and is…I don’t know. It’s some white stuff and some other things. Vegetables I guess maybe. It is good and he has not shamed his ancestors.

The second dish is Jackie’s. She has cooked her father’s ribs, which is a dark, dark act. It’s fine though.

Next is Casper, who has made golden syrup dumplings that are, relatively speaking, food.

Emily’s grandma’s soup is great but not very interesting.

Vinnie’s Sicilian empanada is kind of weird and make Poh do a very strange thing with her arms.

Hannah’s shepherd’s pie tastes almost exactly like a shepherd.

Miin feels nervous as he presents his Kiam Chye Ark, which is soup and duck and rice because he can’t make noodles. It honours his family, most of whom were ducks. Jean-Christophe shows Miin the duck. “Are you happy with that?” he barks furiously. Miin is not happy. The duck is not tender enough, having lived a hard life. Poh missed the noodles, having not had even a text in weeks. Miin’s dish has no noodles, unnecessary wife, dry duck and almost no flavour. Though to be fair, all those things are in his heritage.

Petro serves his Cypriot Ravioles. One of his first memories is making this with his yiayia, and he’s gone to great lengths to make sure this is a dish that a small child could make. Andy says it is “boss” and refuses to say why he would do such a thing. “I love how this dish tastes like it is tied to your Cypriot roots,” says Sofia, which I think means it tastes like soil.

Next dish is Annabel’s. She has made a corn agnolotti with tomato and strawberry consomme, and doesn’t seem particularly ashamed of the fact. The judges all agree that the dish is so good it’s almost like Annabel isn’t white. Annabel is so happy she decides to call her mum for the first time ever.

Then it is Alyona who has made a rhubarb pie that disappoints everyone. Then it is Pat who has made his grandma’s tuna casserole but not really - his grandma’s was good. Jack has made a honey semifreddo that is far too sweet quite apart from the fact that he was banned from the set weeks ago. Lydia has made stuffed onions against the judges’ explicit wishes.

Now it is Grace and her Mr Wolf Sundae, a delicious vanilla bean ice-cream flavoured with real dog hair. “I think this was an interesting choice,” says Andy, much the same way a man might say, “I think the tumour has doubled in size.” Andy is disgusted by the fact that the ice-cream has melted, having never rated any cook who cannot defy the laws of physics. Grace has disappointed everyone by making normal food that people would like to eat.

Luke serves his paella. Sofia tells him that it’s no paella, it’s risotto. Also it’s not very good paella. Also the judges don’t like Luke on a personal level. Also his moustache is very unimpressive. Also he is not allowed to compete in the tournament in China.

It’s time to decide who is the worst cook, and it’s a very strong competition, as loads of people have sucked big time. Also, one lucky person is going to get ten thousand dollars from ANCESTRY DOT COM, YOUR NUMBER ONE SITE FOR GENEALOGY.

That lucky person is Olaolu, who can now finally afford that trip to Kryal Castle he always dreamed of.

But good news out of the way, it’s time to name those who have shamed themselves and their families. They are Miin, Luke, Grace and Jack - apparently Jack isn’t important enough to ever show him cooking, but is important enough to insult. And the loser is…

Miin! Oh, that really is sad. Not even joking, Miin is a lovely man and you definitely feel the judges are kicking him out because they’re jealous of how cool and nice he is and how many friends he has. But, sadly, he couldn’t get those noodles made, and that means he will now dwell forever in the Sunken Place. Pat, knowing he will never see Miin again, is in tears. They might be tears of joy, knowing he’s not going home, but tears nonetheless. Grace and Luke breathe big sighs of relief. Jack, however, must also go home as nobody can find any record of his existence.

Tune in tomorrow when the cooks must communicate effectively with each other and are therefore royally screwed.