Monarchs of England: Ranked

(anyone not on this list was not a monarch of England)

56: William IV. Dull and basically pointless.

55: Edward V. Murdered at age 12. Wuss.

54: Edgar the Peaceful. Dumb name. Who wants a king to be “peaceful”?

53: Edward the Martyr. Like all martyrs basically a show-off.

52: Stephen of Blois. Nobody remembers him and why should they?

51: Edward VI. Pasty little prick.

50: George I. Just such a typical “George”, you know?

49: George VI: Another typical George. Nowhere near as good as he looked in that movie.

48: Eadwig. Definitely the worst of the funny-named English kings.

47: Edmund I. Just a real downer, you know? Brings down the mood at every party.

46: Edmund Ironside. Even though there was an Edmund I, there wasn’t an Edmund II: just this insufferable show-off who named himself after a paraplegic detective.

45: Harold Godwinson. Absolute cuck. Was all like “Hey I’m King” but he wasn’t really.

44: Edward IV. He was king twice and still did nothing interesting.

43: James II. Overthrown by a Dutchman which is embarrassing as hell.

42: Edward VIII. Edwards mostly did suck. This one gave up the throne for love like a fucking idiot. Also a Nazi.

41: George V. Basically a big fat dickhead.

40: George II. Better than his dad but not by much.

39: Henry III. King for 56 years and what does he have to show for it?

38: Eadred. The Eadwig of his time.

37: Harold Harefoot. A Beatrix Potter character who accidentally became king.

36: Harthacnut. Massive disappointment compared to an entire Cnut.

35: Edward the Confessor. Never bloody shut up, and irritatingly refused to be Edward I.

34: William II. Slightly unfairly always compared to his father, the best William. Still, not much chop, let’s be honest.

33: Richard II. Totally fucked it up for the Plantagenets.

32: Edward I. Who cares?

31: Edward II. See above.

30: Edward III. Distinguished himself by not being the I or the II.

29: Elizabeth II. Massively overrated. Hardly ever even murdered anyone.

28: James I. Scottish, but made the best of it anyway.

27: Aethelstan. Gets major points for being the first one, but sort of just rested on those laurels.

26: Henry I. Deserves a lot of credit for inventing the concept of King Henrys.

25: Anne. Loads of style but did smell quite bad.

24: Matilda. Bit of a bitch but a great dancer.

23: Edward VII. Had an era named after him, which was cool, but still an Edward.

22: George IV. Awesome in Blackadder but outside of sitcoms a fat twat.

21: William and Mary. A dynamic duo and sexy as hell, although one of them was Dutch so they drop down the table a bit.

20: Henry II. A pretty cool dude, but went by the name of “Henry Curtmantle”, and nobody knows what a curtmantle is, so can’t rank too high.

19: Sweyn Forkbeard. A big mad Viking which is awesome.

18: Cnut the Great. Not really great, but pretty good. Unable to hold back the sea, which was disappointing.

17: Richard I. Had the heart of a lion, which is disgraceful given the endangered status of the species. Otherwise reasonably awesome and murdered a LOT of Muslims.

16: Henry IV. Originator of the phrase, “Going for Bolingbroke”.

15: Charles I. Deserves credit for popularising decapitation.

14: Charles II. Had some of history’s hottest sex with the saucy firecracker Nelly Gwyn, and got to give him props for that.

13: Aethelred the Unready. Just a crazy bastard. Never knew what he’d do next. Great fun!

12: Victoria. A sexy dame with great legs.

10: William the Conqueror. Upon being told he wasn’t the King of England, said, “I bloody am” and went and killed as many dudes as he had to to prove it. One of the greatest Kings of England that France has ever had.

9: John. Lived in the shadow of his brother Richard the Poacher at the time, but got his revenge by being the most amusing character in all the movies.

8: Henry V. Could deliver a great speech but ranks lower than Henry VI because of his stupider haircut.

7: Henry VI. A slightly less stupid haircut and interesting enough that Shakespeare literally could not stop writing plays about him.

6: Henry VII. He started the Tudors, so TV owes him a huge debt.

5: Mary I. Even madder bastard than Aethelred. Cut your head off as soon as look at you. Just brilliant.

4: Richard III. Knew what he wanted and what he wanted was to stab little boys to death. One of history’s most prominent skeletons.

3: George III. Literally mad. Loved to dance around and pretend he was a fish or French kiss a tree. Amazingly fun at parties. Also quite skilfully lost America, which saved a lot of money in the long run.

2: Elizabeth I. Like Mary, loved to murder, but managed to hang around longer. A strong independent woman who wasn’t afraid to rot her own face away to prove a point. Lied about being a virgin which was a bit hypocritical of her.

1: Henry VIII. Proved that there was a place for full-figured men in entertainment. Prioritised self-care by refusing to accept anything but the best when it came to wives. Wrote funny little songs, pissed off a wide variety of greasy Europeans, and stuck his dick anywhere it would fit. Legend.