OSCARS 2022: Official Form Guide

Your guide to the winners and also-rans of the 94th Academy Awards

BEST PICTURE:

Belfast - This lyrical, hauntingly poetic account of director Kenneth Branagh’s stint managing the aviary at a Northern Irish zoo has won plaudits for its innovative cinematography, achieved through mounting sixteen cameras on a single Segway. It’s also drawn praise for its motion-capture performances and soundtrack of Van Morrison’s night terrors. Definitely a big chance to win the Oscar, given that nobody in the Academy has seen it.

CODA - Coda, being the 1982 album of Led Zeppelin studio outtakes released after the band’s dissolution following the death of drummer John Bonham, is a fine showcase of blues-rock, but will struggle to win the main prize in what is technically a cinematic competition.

DON’T LOOK UP - Adam McKay’s angry polemic, calling on all citizens of the earth to stop getting hit by comets, has divided audiences, with some believing it to be an intelligent and necessary satire on the human race’s tragically short attention span, and others believing it to be critically-acclaimed Japanese film Drive My Car. It’s almost certain to win the Best Picture Oscar, due mainly to its aggressively violent nudity.

DRIVE MY CAR - The long-awaited sequel to the 1980s teen hit License to Drive has thrilled audiences all over the world with its revolutionary “talking handbrake” technology. But it will take more than that to take home the statuette, especially given the movie is from Japan, a country still officially at war with the US.

DUNE - History shows that movies about sand tend to do well at the Oscars - witness the eleven won by Carry On - Follow That Camel. But Denis Villeneuve’s ambitious adaptation of Frank Herbert’s epic novel about a bumbling everyman trying to open an exotic reptile store in Yemen is not one of the favourites this year: the stunning cinematography possibly cancelled out by Zendaya’s eccentric portrayal of Bob Fosse.

KING RICHARD - It’s taken more than four decades for this biopic of Cliff Richard to get made, and although it’s a fun romp and Will Smith gives the performance of his life, it’s really not a contender in this category.

LICORICE PIZZA - Only the fifth time that a dessert has been accidentally nominated for Best Picture, this one has little chance, despite the amazing performance of Alana Haim, mother of License To Drive’s Corey.

NIGHTMARE ALLEY - Guillermo del Toro created an authentically disturbing picture of late-1930s America, while also crafting a typically Oscar-baiting story about a carny-turned-Pope. Critics have described it as “flawed”, but then that’s surely by design: it’s doubtful an experienced director like del Toro would’ve let his entire cast perform all their lines backwards on purpose. Artistically it’s a triumph, but politics could get in the way: the film’s clear backing of the Liberal Democrats in the upcoming Slovenian election will cost it votes.

THE POWER OF THE DOG - Big-screen spin-off of The Bob Morrison Show mainly nominated just to honour the career of director Ridley Scott: a strange decision given this was directed by Jane Campion.

WEST SIDE STORY - The new Academy rule allowing the nomination of movies made more than sixty years ago proved a boon to this musical classic, which will be a strong contender for Best Picture despite its often politically-incorrect pro-ballet stance.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE:

Javier Bardem, BEING THE RICARDOS - Bardem, hitherto best known for his gaming podcast Javier Vs Diddy Kong, put in an extraordinary turn as Desi Arnaz, managing to capture the great entertainer’s accent while glossing over his uncontrollable muscle spasms. His portrayal of a man agonising over whether to pursue his showbiz dreams or follow his father into the priesthood is mesmerising.

Benedict Cumberbatch in THE POWER OF THE DOG - It’d be an amazing achievement for Cumberbatch to become the first man to win an Oscar for voicing a cartoon dog, but it could be too soon.

Andrew Garfield in TICK, TICK…BOOM! - Ten years ago Garfield swore that he’d never play any character besides Peter Parker, and he’s been true to his word. His performance in this based-on-fact story about Spider-Man entering the world of musical theatre is joyous and exuberant, but with precious little web-slinging.

Will Smith in KING RICHARD - Smith’s rendition of “Devil Woman” is incredible, but he struggles with a script that never really captures the tension of Cliff Richard’s years spent coaching Sue Barker to tennis glory.

Denzel Washington in MACBETH - An impenetrable Scottish accent impressed critics and could tip him over the line for this one.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE:

Ciaran Hinds in BELFAST - Hinds’s portrayal of the Ghost of Christmas Past is always energetic but never vulgar, and in the end you’re actually rooting for him to get away with his killing spree. Surely a shoo-in for the prize.

Troy Kotsur in CODA - Kotsur deserves recognition but will be hampered by the fact this movie does not exist.

Jesse Plemons in THE POWER OF THE DOG - Everyone in Hollywood thinks it’s ridiculous that this man gets to have sex with Kirsten Dunst and they will never let him win an Oscar because of it.

JK Simmons in BEING THE RICARDOS - If Nicole Kidman’s turn as Lucille Ball is a knockout, Simmons packs a pretty powerful punch himself as Evil Lucille Ball. In any other year he’d win, but he’s up against Hinds’s astonishingly graphic scenes.

Kodi Smit-McPhee in THE POWER OF THE DOG - Smit-McPhee is only in the movie for fifteen seconds, but packs so much into those fifteen seconds that his role as Sergeant Owl is absolutely indelible. There’ll be other years for him.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE:

Jessica Chastain in THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE - Very few people saw this movie, which could work to Chastain’s advantage, as her decision to play Tammy Faye with a crippling shoulder injury is not to everyone’s taste. Chastain has made no secret of the fact that she considers Tammy Faye Bakker to be not only a personal hero, but her biological mother. Won’t win the Oscar because of her controversial views on Macedonia, but still a memorable effort.

Olivia Colman in THE LOST DAUGHTER - As an embittered woman who travels to Italy to buy garlic bread and inadvertently stumbles upon the daughter she left in a sock on the beach eighty years ago, Colman is quite amazing. She will deservedly win her second Oscar, and hopefully provide an acceptance speech to match the expletive-laden tirade against the Arquette family she delivered the first time.

Penelope Cruz in PARALLEL MOTHERS - nominated only as a prank by the popular kids, who have rigged a bucket of pigs’ blood above the stage, one only prays that Cruz discovers the deception before the humiliation is complete.

Nicole Kidman in BEING THE RICARDOS - Kidman is famous for her dedication to fully inhabiting a role, and all Academy members will have taken note of her decision to wear Lucille Ball’s original skin in this biopic. The only thing that will prevent her victory in this category is the historical bias against Muslim actors.

Kristen Stewart in SPENCER - As the late Princess Diana, Stewart is a revelation. Why she chose to play the role in blackface remains a mystery, but nobody can deny it worked.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE:

Jessie Buckley in THE LOST DAUGHTER - As Agnes, the feisty private detective who uncovers Olivia Colman’s counterfeit daughter ring, Buckley sparkles, but won’t take home the statuette due to her weak wrists.

Ariana DeBose in WEST SIDE STORY - A glance at the IMDB page for West Side Story indicates that there is no one called “Ariana DeBose” in it. This fraud will no doubt be resolved before the ceremony.

Judi Dench in BELFAST - Director Kenneth Branagh makes the city of Belfast itself a character, and pulled off quite a coup in getting Judi Dench to play it. Amazingly, in her long and distinguished career, Dench had never before played a major European city, but the role fits her like a glove. Almost certain to win, if only for her subtle portrayal of suburbs.

Kirsten Dunst in THE POWER OF THE DOG - Dunst was brilliant as former Georgia governor Lester Maddox, but will be snubbed for sleeping with Jesse Plemons.

Aunjanue Ellis in KING RICHARD - Many argue that Ellis was miscast as Hank Marvin, but you can’t deny her chops on the guitar. Nevertheless she won’t win as she’s off-planet.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM:

ENCANTO - Many people have seen this film, which should be enough to see it take the Oscar.

FLEE - This stop-motion biopic of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers bassist has its moments, but is misspelt, cruelling its chances.

LUCA - One of the most moving films of the year, this eight-hour reflection on the long-term consequences of the War of Spanish Succession had a trump card with the voice talents of both Hilary and Haylie Duff, but sunk without trace at the box office.

THE MITCHELLS VS THE MACHINES - Whoever wins, we all lose.

RAYA AND THE LAST DRAGON - Controversy erupted when it was discovered that the dragon this film was based on never actually existed. Ever since it’s been on the nose in Hollywood, and so its groundbreaking mixture of conventional animation and still photographs of supermarket shelves will go unrewarded.

CINEMATOGRAPHY:

DUNE, Greig Fraser - Photographing sand is more difficult than it looks, although to be fair it looks extremely easy. Fraser’s achievement in making a Nova Scotia beach look like the vast planet of Arrakis has him favourite to win the award, even though some critics questioned his decision to place a heavy purple filter on his camera every time Timothee Chalamet was on screen as a tribute to the late Prince.

NIGHTMARE ALLEY, Dan Lausten - Lausten is an old-school cinematographer, refusing to use artificial light or computer effects or a camera. As such, all of Nightmare Alley was hand-drawn from memory in a flipbook. Sadly for his Oscar chances, the Academy tends to frown on avant-garde technique. Lausten’s history as a promoter of cockfights won’t help either.

THE POWER OF THE DOG, Ari Wegner - Should Wegner win for his lyrical depiction of the American West, it would be a memorable Oscars ceremony, given “Ari Wegner” is the pseudonym of former Growing Pains star Tracy Gold. An incredible story of showbiz redemption.

THE TRAGEDY OF MACBETH, Bruno Delbonnel - Delbonnel famously shot Macbeth by putting his camera on a chair, pressing the Record button, and going home. Just might cause an upset.

WEST SIDE STORY, Janusz Kaminski - Like the movie itself, “Janusz Kaminski” does not exist. A definite chance to win.

COSTUME DESIGN:

CRUELLA, Jenny Beavan - Beavan insists on using all-natural materials in her costumes, and every outfit in Cruella was made from real rhino hide. The results were spectacular, but Beavan’s chances may be hampered by the fact she wove the words “Fuck the Academy” into every garment.

CYRANO, Massimo Cantini Parrini and Jacqueline Durran - What the fuck is “Cyrano”? Have you ever heard of this? Come on. Jesus.

DUNE, Jacqueline West and Robert Morgan - West and Morgan worked from Frank Herbert’s own descriptions of the fashions of Arrakis, which in the book are said to resemble Spanish Conquistador armour with ostrich feathers. The result was described almost universally as nauseatingly racist. Hot favourite.

NIGHTMARE ALLEY, Luis Sequeira - Everyone in this film is nude 100% of the time, so it’s a baffling nomination.

WEST SIDE STORY, Paul Tazewell - the costumes for West Side Story were designed in 1961, as well as being made in 1961 and featuring in the movie in 1961, when it was filmed.

DIRECTING:

Kenneth Branagh, BELFAST - Branagh’s first entry in what is planned as a series of movies about every city he’s ever visited is a triumph of directorial innovation. From the opening montage of memorable moments from the Ladies’ PGA Championships, to the closing shot of Teddy Roosevelt riding a Vespa into the sun, Branagh’s every creative choice pays off. This could, finally, net him the Oscar he deserved and would have won for The English Patient if only he hadn’t by bad luck not directed it.

Ryusuke Hamaguchi, DRIVE MY CAR - Hamaguchi is Japanese, but his movie is visible to white people, which proves just how open-minded he is. His Brechtian method of requiring his actors to speak their lines directly into a shoebox takes a while to get used to, but as the movie is over three days long, this is no problem. Probably won’t win because Drive My Car has been proven to cause leukaemia, but a well-deserved nomination.

Paul Thomas Anderson, LICORICE PIZZA - One of Hollywood’s foremost auteurs has crafted something truly memorable. It’s a shame this isn’t it.

Jane Campion, THE POWER OF THE DOG - Campion is no micro-manager: she is famous for giving her cast free rein to do whatever they want while she has a nap. Likewise, she has never been fussy about where she places the camera, and for most of this film it’s pointed in the wrong direction, which gives the story a unique frisson. She will find it difficult to beat Branagh, but is attending the ceremony with a gun, so who knows?

Steven Spielberg, WEST SIDE STORY - This nomination is a fairly juvenile prank. Not only was West Side Story made six decades ago, Spielberg died in the Eighties. Poor taste, Academy.

DOCUMENTARY (Feature):

Be honest, do you care even a little bit about this category? Thought not.

DOCUMENTARY (Short Subject):

See above, but more so.

FILM EDITING:

DON’T LOOK UP, Hank Corwin - The ultra-fast edits of Don’t Look Up are part of its charm. Corwin’s cocaine-fuelled rampage in the edit suite deserved its nomination but will struggle to win.

DUNE, Joe Walker - It’s no easy feat to cut together a coherent film out of over six thousand hours of raw footage, most of which was shot on Denis Villeneuve’s holiday to Bali. Somehow Walker did it, crafting a movie that is not only thrilling and emotionally engaging, but features surprisingly few instances where Paul Atreides is obviously being played by a bear.

KING RICHARD, Pamela Martin - Martin is a legend in the industry, for her speed-eating record if nothing else. Compared to other nominees, she had a relatively easy job, as King Richard was filmed in one continuous shot and Martin herself was banned from the studio. Still, her victory will be well-deserved.

THE POWER OF THE DOG, Peter Sciberras - If, as they say, the mark of a great editor is knowing when to insert the “November Rain” music video into a film, then Sciberras, who uses the clip no fewer than eight times during The Power of the Dog, is in with a definite chance.

TICK, TICK…BOOM! Myron Kerstein and Andrew Weinblum - Only pussies need two editors to edit one movie. Pathetic.

INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM:

DRIVE MY CAR - this is also nominated for Best Picture, which is cheating and should be roundly condemned.

FLEE - Clue’s in the title.

THE HAND OF GOD - A movie about Diego Maradona’s spectacular performance at the 1986 World Cup is a good idea. Getting Maradona to play himself less good. Sticking with that decision even after he died, positively dubious.

LUNANA: A YAK IN THE CLASSROOM - The title of this movie is obvious clickbait. I say we rise above it.

THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD - It’s divided critics, but this biopic of former gameshow host Tony Barber has strong support among many influential Academy members.

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE):

DON’T LOOK UP, Nicholas Britell - What better way to score a movie about the end of the world than with the rhythmic sound of live pigs plummeting to their deaths from atop wheat silos? Britell created a whole new world of sonic possibilities, and his subsequent arrest is the only thing that might affect his chances of victory.

DUNE, Hans Zimmer - Zimmer is the most reliable composer in Hollywood, and he lets no one down with his score for Dune, which melds traditional Arabic music, electronic soundscapes, and the voice of the late Jimmy Durante to stunning effect.

ENCANTO, Germaine Franco - The music in Encanto is so delightful it’s hard to believe it was produced entirely by child soldiers, but that’s the magic of the movies for you.

PARALLEL MOTHERS, Alberto Iglesias - Iglesias is favourite to take home the Oscar, having been smart enough to plagiarise the entire score from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

THE POWER OF THE DOG, Jonny Greenwood - The ex-Radiohead virtuoso proves, once again, that he hasn’t done anything anywhere near as good as “Creep” in his entire composing career. Sad.

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG):

"Be Alive" from KING RICHARD
Music and Lyric by DIXSON and Beyoncé Knowles-Carter - A stunning song about the importance of not dying if you want to be good at tennis. Should win but won’t because the song was recorded at a frequency inaudible to human ears.

"Dos Oruguitas" from ENCANTO
Music and Lyric by Lin-Manuel Miranda - The best song of this year’s crop, but let’s be honest: Lin-Manuel Miranda has already had enough joy in his life, it’s well past time for him to experience disappointment.

"Down To Joy" from BELFAST
Music and Lyric by Van Morrison - The notoriously anti-vaxxer Van Morrison’s attempt to enter the music business is a sickening, atonal mess, with lyrics that make myriad defamatory claims about former members of B*Witched. Almost certain to win.

"No Time To Die" from NO TIME TO DIE
Music and Lyric by Billie Eilish and Finneas O'Connell - Misunderstanding the brief, Eilish made a major misstep when she decided to sing “James Bond dies at the end” over and over throughout the song. Will count against her here.

"Somehow You Do" from FOUR GOOD DAYS
Music and Lyric by Diane Warren - Yep, Diane Warren: still alive. We’re as surprised as you are.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

CODA, Screenplay by Siân Heder - Adapting a Led Zeppelin album should’ve been a breeze, but Heder’s insistence on translating it into, and then back out of, the Sami language made it a much more laborious process. And it didn’t even help, as the Academy banned its members from seeing the movie.

DRIVE MY CAR, Screenplay by Ryusuke Hamaguchi, Takamasa Oe - All the world already knows the heartwarming story of the Drive My Car screenplay, which was written in the margins of a Nando’s menu in just half an hour. The perfect placement of the characters’ periodic screams of “LOOK OUT FOR THE BIRDS” should be enough to win it the Oscar.

DUNE, Screenplay by Jon Spaihts and Denis Villeneuve and Eric Roth - The screenplay of Dune was just a half-page outline, as the actors improvised everything else. This process was responsible, among other things, for the film turning out to be set on a different planet. Credit to the writers for letting the cast express themselves, but this is not the stuff of Oscar.

THE LOST DAUGHTER, Written by Maggie Gyllenhaal - Adapted from a letter her brother Jake wrote to the phone company complaining that he’d never called anyone in Suriname even once, let alone four times, Gyllenhaal’s script is at once elegiac and breathtakingly offensive. Got the nomination mainly on the strength of breaking the record for most uses of the C-word to describe a child in a movie.

THE POWER OF THE DOG, Written by Jane Campion - Does it strike you this movie is getting nominate for a lot of stuff? Seems a little bit needy, doesn’t it? What are they trying to compensate for?

Writing (Original Screenplay)

BELFAST, Written by Kenneth Branagh - Definitely deserving of an Oscar, Branagh’s script may not get its just deserts if the controversy of whether he actually wrote it, or stole it from a collection of essays by Gyles Brandreth, gets traction.

DON'T LOOK UP, Screenplay by Adam McKay; Story by Adam McKay & David Sirota - Starting out with just a scribbled thought bubble - “What if people didn’t look up?” McKay turned that into something truly wonderful. The rapid fire dialogue between devious editor Walter Burns and his ace reporter Hildy Johnson is a joy, and McKay truly deserves the statuette for it.

KING RICHARD, Written by Zach Baylin - Was an early frontrunner for the award, but the arrival of audiences to see the movie destroyed any chance it had.

LICORICE PIZZA, Written by Paul Thomas Anderson - A mistake by the Academy to allow it in this category, as it’s not really an “original” screenplay, being adapted from a pre-existing pizza.

THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD, Written by Eskil Vogt, Joachim Trier - Won’t win because it’s not in English, so nobody knows what it says. Nevertheless a worthy nominee, as its unique structure, in which the basic narrative of the Swiss Family Robinson is overlaid on the tense relationship between a disillusioned pharmaceuticals executive and his pet elk, opened up incredible new possibilities for anyone stupid enough to want to be a screenwriter.