The Bachelorette Australia Episode 6 Recap
Imaginary infidelity: the unkindest cut of all
PREVIOUSLY on The Bachelorette: Carissa decided that helping Brooke achieve her dream of being on Dancing With The Stars wasn’t the ideal way to start a relationship after all, and buggered off.
TONIGHT on The Bachelorette: Jamie-Lee is pushed ever further towards life as a stalker.
Brooke and Jamie-Lee have a single date. “I’ve organised something really special for our date today,” says Brooke, using an extremely loose definition of the word “I’ve”. Brooke tells Jamie-Lee that she’s extremely impressive, because she hasn’t yet encountered a boiled rabbit.
In today’s date, the two women are going to the top of Sydney Tower, where TAFKAAG is waiting for them. “I’m always happy to see Osher,” says Jamie-Lee, the first time in history those words have been spoken in that order. TAFKAAG informs them that they have the chance to set the world record for the longest kiss on TV. The current record-holders were a couple of idiots on The Bachelor, who kissed on top of the Harbour Bridge. So it’s only appropriate that the record be broken by a couple of idiots on The Bachelorette, kissing on top of the Sydney Tower.
The current record is four minutes and ten seconds. “Are you ready?” asks TAFKAAG. “Ready as I’ll always be,” says Brooke, the altitude affecting the speech centre of her brain. Brooke and Jamie-Lee give it a crack and you’re not going to believe this but they do it. Break the record, I mean. Proof, if it were needed, that two women kissing on a tower for more than four minutes is in no way interesting television. As the kiss continues, we go picture-in-picture and see the people back at the mansion discussing the date, and find that that’s not interesting television either.
Finally the kiss ends, after some truly nauseating discussion of how it was setting an example. “You’re doing this for everyone out there who might’ve felt different,” says TAFKAAG, and in an incredibly crowded field this may be the dumbest thing he has ever said. Jamie-Lee concurs, reflecting on how she and Brooke have proved once and for all that two women can stand on an observation deck and kiss for five minutes. So that’s THAT old stereotype shattered.
“This is why I chose Jamie-Lee,” says Brooke, because nobody on this show is even trying to make sense anymore.
Brooke and Jamie-Lee sit on a couch and drink some pretty gross-looking liquid. Brooke gives Jamie-Lee a certificate from Guinness World Records that states that she is officially the most blatantly Single White Female-ish contestant on this show yet. They then have the same conversation every person has with Brooke on a couch, about how they are ready to love and feel a connection and it’s not just about wild sex and meeting Waleed Aly. Then there’s kisses but they are disappointingly short.
Oh and Jamie-Lee gets a rose. Imagine how utterly shit you’d have to be to go on a single date and not get a rose. I hope that happens to someone soon, it’ll be hilarious.
It is group date time, and all of the remaining suitors attend a garden party and have the chance to get drunk in the daytime. They also play ring toss because why the hell not. Brooke arrives and tells them all that today will be a good day, because today, she will hunt the most dangerous game.
Nah, this show isn’t that fun. Actually all that’s going to happen is all the suitors are going to meet the “Human Lie Detector”. Remember the Human Lie Detector? He was on The Bachelor when Brooke was on it before, which means that now Brooke is pretending he’s a close personal friend. She is also pretending that she decided to bring the Human Lie Detector in after being blindsided by Carissa and having her trust in her suitors shaken, rather than him being booked to appear on this episode way before the series started shooting. So it’s pretty ironic that the Human Lie Detector’s appearance coincides with some extremely easy-to-detect lies by Brooke.
The Human Lie Detector’s real name is Steve, but he’s called the Human Lie Detector because he is good at matketing. Because of COVID, he has to talk to suitors via videolink, making his scam even less convincing.
The first person the HLD speaks to is Jamie-Lee, who we all suspect of lying about her height. He asks Jamie-Lee what some of the positive things that have happened on the show are. Jamie-Lee tells him that she totally got to pash on with Brooke.
He asks Millie if she’s nervous, and Millie admits that her heart is beating, which Steve is certain is a lie.
Darvid tells the HLD that Brooke is warm, and the HLD immediately identifies him as a Serbian war criminal.
The HLD asks Konrad if Brooke can trust him. Konrad shouts for several minutes about how trustworthy he is, which is very convincing.
The HLD asks Luca if he’s ready to settle down. Luca’s eyes bug out and his lips twist in a very truthful manner.
And then Kurt sits down and the HLD interrogates him about why his facial muscles don’t work. The HLD says he can see that Kurt has genuine feelings, which is why he’s the best at what he does: nobody else who’s ever met Kurt came away with the impression that he had any feelings at all.
The HLD asks Kurt if he thinks anyone else in the mansion does NOT have genuine feelings for Brooke, because this whole thing is a goddamn set-up, man. They’re playing us for patsies, man.
Anyway Kurt says that someone is not here for the right reasons. “I think I’m a pretty honest guy,” he says, although he’s not entirely sure. He reckons that Ryan has been spending a lot of time with Jamie-Lee and he reckons they’re, like, going together and stuff. Steve is stunned, having had no idea that Ryan was still on the show.
The HLD thinks Kurt is telling the truth and wishes to speak to Ryan, which is a bit extreme: nobody ever wants to speak to Ryan.
The atmosphere is tense after Kurt returns from talking to the HLD. Everyone senses that Kurt has been a big fat dobber. Kurt admits that he told the HLD that he reckoned Ryan was into Jamie-Lee and not Brooke. Jamie-Lee is mightily pissed off at Kurt for doing this, which is a correct reaction. Kurt is a tool.
But then again, so is Ryan. And so is Steve the HLD. He asks Ryan how he gets along with the others in the group. Ryan says how well he gets on with Kurt, and how much he can trust him, and the possibility of this show not being scripted has now been completely obliterated.
Ryan denies that he’s there for the wrong reasons, but he does so while ducking his head and moving his arms in a weird way, and the HLD is on to him. Ryan is forced to admit that he and Jamie-Lee have a lot in common, eg both of them think the HLD is a cockspank. “I’m proud of who I am,” says Ryan, in response to a question that was not asked at any point.
Brooke comes in to hear whatever made-up bullshit Steve has decided to feed her. The HLD tells her that most of the suitors have her best interests at heart and would not necessarily break her heart if given the chance to present the weather on Channel Seven News Sunshine Coast. But he also tells her that Ryan does not have her best interests at heart, and is in fact a Nazi spy. Also he prefers Jamie-Lee, which is fair enough: Jamie-Lee has only been on two series of a shitty reality show, whereas Brooke has been on three, which makes her fifty percent more shopworn.
The HLD tells Brooke that he doesn’t think Ryan’s affection for Jamie-Lee is reciprocated, causing Brooke to immediately assume that Jamie-Lee reciprocates Ryan’s affection. She’s a thinker.
It’s time for a cocktail party, and everyone is eager to get maggoted. The suitors get together and agree that it’s time for them all to ditch Brooke and run away together to start a commune.
Brooke, who can feel her walls are coming up and can find no Mexicans to pay for them, arrives and takes Jamie-Lee away to find out if the rumours that she’s made up in her head are true or not. Jamie-Lee tells her that there is nothing between her and Ryan. Brooke demands to know why Jamie-Lee didn’t tell her before about this thing that was not actually happening. Jamie-Lee apologises for being friends with people who aren’t Brooke, but Brooke remains incredibly furious with Jamie-Lee for lying to her about the utterly baseless fantasy that she has invented.
Brooke doesn’t know what to believe. Is Jamie-Lee, who says she is just friends with Ryan, telling the truth? Or is Kurt, who says Jamie-Lee is just friends with Ryan, telling the truth? Or was Steve the Human Lie Detector telling the truth, when he said Jamie-Lee was just friends with Ryan? So many conflicting stories, it’s impossible to decide.
There are nine roses and eleven suitors apart from Jamie-Lee who is safe. Two suitors will be going home.
Millie gets a rose for being thoroughly modern.
Holly gets a rose for resembling acting legend Maxine Peake.
Konrad gets a rose for refusing to bow to public pressure to fix his hair.
Luca gets a rose for making Brooke’s gusset flood like the Nile.
Will gets a rose for being a comical olden days man.
Taje gets a rose for not being angry that nobody remembered she was there for the last two weeks.
Steve gets a rose for being indistinguishable from Darvid.
Kurt gets a rose for being constructed from 100% Aussie timber.
Darvid gets a rose for being indistinguishable from Darvid.
This means that Ryan, whose attraction to Brooke waned after she decided to not ever talk to him, will be going home. As will Jessica, who is some woman who just wandered in at some point: nobody has any idea who she is or where she came from. Neither is too unhappy: Ryan goes off to find someone who acknowledges his existence, and Jessica ceases to exist as soon as she leaves the mansion grounds.
Brooke tells the remaining suitors that she’s questioning a lot of things, like whether one of the 20-odd people she’s been dating over the last few weeks might be two-timing her. That would be such a betrayal.
Tune in next time, when Brooke will be back on her bullshit.