Unwatched Recap: Masked Singer Australia
Just what happened on last night's thrilling episode? From someone who didn't watch it, here's what you missed.
The show began with a frisson of suspense going through the audience, as Osher announced that there was a sniper in the audience who would at some point assassinate one cast member - but WHO? It’d sure be fun finding out!
After greeting the guessing panel, all of whom made powerful statements in favour of Basque independence, the performances began. The first character we saw on stage was PORK, an enormous dancing side of pork who showed they could belt out a tune like few other slabs of meat. Pork’s rendition of “How The Gods Kill” by Danzig had the whole room rocking!
Pork’s voice wowed the guessing panel, but they were divided as to who it could be under the mask. Hughesy thought he detected a certain diplomatic quality in the vocals, and guessed Henry Kissinger, while Mel B was fairly certain it was her old fellow Spice Girl, Emma Bunton. Chrissie, on the other hand, was sure that Pork must be the late Johnny O’Keefe, while Abbie hid under the desk and pretended not to be there.
After a brief break, Osher returned to announce that he was suffering explosive diarrhoea, and then introduced the next wacky masked singer: the mysterious EGG WHISK. This sultry kitchen utensil got pulses racing with an especially sensual version of the Bernard Cribbins smash “Right Said Fred”, and there wasn’t a dry thigh in the house.
According to Hughesy, those sexy tones couldn’t be anyone but legendary cricketer Trevor Hohns. Chrissie agreed that it was a cricketer, but thought the voice sounded more like Murray Bennett. Abbie thought the singer beneath the mask was most likely to be a shrill wordless scream of unimaginable terror. Mel B, though, was adamant that Egg Whisk could be none other than her old fellow Spice Girl, Emma Bunton.
After crossing to Osher at an all-night veterinary hospital to introduce the next act, BRUTALIST OFFICE BLOCK took the stage. This funky building might’ve been an all-singing, all-dancing tribute to a period of deliberate severity in architectural trends, but there was nothing severe about their heartfelt rendition of Tamara Jaber’s “Ooh Ah”. Several audience members were seen to tear up, and one to throw himself in front of a train during the song.
Chrissie was quick off the mark to declare that Brutalist Office Block was, quite obviously, Taylor Swift. Abbie disagreed, claiming that it was in fact a bloodied corpse that floated before her eyes even when she shut them. Mel B was uncertain but felt she detected the telltale signs of her old fellow Spice Girl Emma Bunton. Hughesy also said that it was Emma Bunton, though not the Spice Girl, but a woman he met once with the same name.
There was a delay before the next act while Osher showed everyone some slides of his trip to Merimbulah, but it was worth the wait when REVISIONIST HISTORIAN thundered out from backstage and knocked everyone’s socks off with a powerhouse performance of the Theme From Acropolis Now. For a moment, the guessing panel was struck dumb by the amazing stage presence of the performer hidden beneath the elaborate costume, not to mention their provocative views on social class in the 18th century. But soon they got down to business.
Hughesy claimed to be “one thousand percent certain” that Revisionist Historian was George W. Bush, while Chrissie was “one million percent certain” that it was Barry Gibb. Mel B thought the way they moved on stage was reminiscent of her old fellow Spice Girl Emma Bunton, but Abbie made perhaps the boldest call of the night, when she said that Revisionist Historian could be a hideous swarm of bees emerging from the mouth of Satan.
Time for the last act, and Osher, completely nude, introduced them. So we first encountered ENORMOUS WAD OF HAIR, who sat alone on a stool and sang a delicately beautiful take on Prince’s “Sexy MF”. Osher spoke for us all after the performance when he said, “I can’t feel my tongue”.
The last guess of the night, and Mel B raised a tantalising possibility when she said Enormous Wad of Hair could be her old fellow Spice Girl, Emma Bunton. Chrissie, on the other hand, believed it was Mel B, while Hughesy confidently predicted it would be the entire Irwin family on each other’s shoulders. Finally, Abbie went out on yet another limb, running howling into the night - would her guess be the right one?
At this point, the sniper struck, shooting Osher clean through the head, but the plucky host didn’t let this deter him, as he announced that the singer to be eliminated tonight would be…EGG WHISK!
As the crowd chanted and the guessing panel contorted their faces into expressions of exquisite agony, the giant whisk took off its mask over a period of several days, finally to reveal…
BARRY JONES AC!
Yep, the Labor legend, writer, lawyer, teacher and quiz show champion was under the whisk suit all along, showing off his amazing pipes!
What a ride! Can’t wait to see who gets unmasked next week on…THE MASKED SINGER!