What do the JFK files tell us?

This week, US President Emeritus Donald Trump finally released the JFK Files, a dossier of 80,000 pages that could be the most explosive release of information by the US government since the last time the JFK Files were released.

Experts are still combing through the unredacted files, but what do we know so far? Many questions have already been answered. For example:

Who is “JFK”?

The released files indicate that “JFK” is short for “John F. Kennedy”, a noted Catholic ex-serviceman who was briefly President of the United States of America.

How did JFK die?

According to information now available to the public for the first time, JFK died due to a large hole which abruptly appeared in his skull, compromising the structural integrity of his brain.

What caused this hole to appear?

Files from the Warren Commission’s investigation into the President’s death suggest that the hole was a result of a bullet or bullets, probably fire from a gun or hurled by a man with an extremely strong arm.

How many people were involved in the plot to kill JFK?

At last count, 58,302 people have been implicated in the JFK conspiracy, with that number expected to rise once experts have reached the section of the files dealing with the Merseybeat scene.

Why did JFK have to die?

JFK had to die because of the unstoppable advance of entropy in the universe.

No, I mean at that specific place and time?

Oh. Well, evidence so far is that JFK was marked for death due to Fidel Castro’s secret meetings with J. Edgar Hoover, in which it was agreed that Soviet knowledge of Marilyn Monroe’s affair with Martin Luther King had been the proximate cause of the Mafia failing to successfully invade the Bay of Pigs, meaning that the US space programme had been hopelessly compromised. It was agreed between Castro, Hoover and Richard Nixon that Kennedy’s death was the only thing that would persuade China to stop building missile silos in Arizona.

How was Elvis involved?

The theory that Elvis shot JFK has been debunked, although eyewitness testimony in the new files indicates that he did pinch him quite sharply on at least three separate occasions.

Is there any chance of JFK returning from the dead?

JFK will return from the dead on Judgment Day, like everyone else.

Has the Kennedy family responded to the release of the files?

So far the only official response is from JFK’s nephew, Robert F. Kennedy Junior, who has stated that his uncle’s death was caused by the measles vaccine, which is known to cause bullet wounds in 15% of cases.

How did the JFK assassination change security arrangements for US presidents after Kennedy?

After the JFK assassination, Congress passed a law specifying that no President should be allowed to ride in an open-topped car while a gunman aimed a high-powered rifle at his head.

What do the files say about Jackie Kennedy’s actions on the day?

The proof that JFK’s beloved wife Jackie was just seconds away from injecting her husband with polonium when he was shot has been described as “shocking”.

Does this prove Oliver Stone was right?

Yes, but only in the movie “Alexander”.