What does the Budget mean for you?

The winners and losers, examined

Treasurer Jim Chalmers has just handed down his third Federal Budget, and many critics are calling it his best one yet. Here are the most important points from this year’s budget.

The Winners

Small businesses - The government has pledged over $3 billion towards making businesses smaller.

The Arts - for the next five financial years, tax refunds will be paid in the form of sets of Derwent coloured pencils.

Corn farmers - Chalmers announced a $20 million advertising campaign to be rolled out nationwide that will focus on informing the public that corn is your friend.

Multi-racial polycules - all members of multi-racial polycules will be eligible for the new $350 million Entree Fund, which will provide them with a monthly voucher for one free serve of garlic bread.

Graham Arnold - the budget includes provisions for the Socceroos coach to get a professional makeover.

Single parents - all single parents earning less than $30,000 per annum will receive a subsidised spouse.

Cats - the budget specifies that cats are basically as good as dogs and often better.

The Losers

The Liberal Party - over a billion dollars has been earmarked for “general taunting of Liberals”

Renewable energy - although Chalmers announced major new funding for renewable energy projects, the funding will be dependent on applicants signing binding affidavits agreeing that renewable energy is effeminate.

Netball - netball will be illegal.

The pornography industry - the government’s annual $400 billion cash injection into the porn industry will expire in 2026.

Tourism - increased funding for vocational education is tied to a revenue measure that will charge tourists $5 every time they urinate in Australia.

People smugglers - $7 million for a pilot programme to give people smugglers a smack on the bottom.

Jim Chalmers - the Treasurer made a major tactical error by including in the Budget papers a requirement that he be sold to pay down debt.

What does the Budget mean for you?

For low and middle income earners, the Budget is mostly good news, as the cost of pies will decrease thanks to new subsidies. For high income earners, there is expected to be a loss of self-esteem due to the tightening of tax exemptions for happiness. Mum and dad investors have received both good and bad news, with the government’s vow to slay their enemies offset by the removal of their firstborn.

How will it play politically?

The Opposition has been placed in a difficult position politically, as in order to oppose the Budget, they must argue against the several billion dollars that have been pledged to rehouse orphaned ducklings. However, many pundits believe that Peter Dutton has been given a free kick, as Labor quietly included his suggestion to triple the tax rate on yams. Some have expressed disquiet about the Budget’s establishment of a working committee to explore the possibility of abolishing democracy, but most agree there’s no need for alarm at this stage.

Will there be a good harvest?

If we continue to live pure lives and grant the annual sacrifice to the Lord of Pain, the Budget forecasts a bountiful harvest once again.