What the Western Suburb You Live In Says About You

Liverpool: You go to confession every time you buy takeaway.

Campbelltown: Your shins are permanently itchy from the long grass in your front yard.

Bankstown: You believe that every woman you see waiting to cross the road is your girlfriend.

Epping: You wish you had been born a train.

Pennant Hills: You can’t remember a time when you didn’t feel hopelessly lost.

Cherrybrook: You are named “Graham”.

North Rocks: You have a recurring dream in which you make love to a bear.

Baulkham Hills: You insist that your children wear spats at all times.

Winston Hills: You spend every night gazing up at the stars, thinking there must be something more.

Parramatta: You introduce yourself as “the Admiral” at parties.

Castle Hill: You have frighteningly strong opinions about spices.

Lakemba: You continually ignore the rash on your upper arm.

Penrith: You eat only what you kill yourself.

Mt Druitt: You know deep down that you will never become a star of musical theatre.

Quakers Hill: You are technically a warlock.

Seven Hills: Your feet turn ever so slightly outwards.

Blacktown: You own over fifteen non-functioning blenders.

Parklea: You believe two-wheeled vehicles are Satanic.

Cabramatta: You think you live in Parramatta.

Northmead: You wake up every morning with unexplained feathers sticking out of your mouth.

Eastwood: You put on your resume that you can play the mandolin but cannot.

Toongabbie: You’ll pump the dirty rat full of lead if he so much as looks at your dame, see?

Wentworthville: You find it difficult to convince even your close friends that you are not a serial arsonist.

Homebush: You are sexually attracted to wooden legs.

Merrylands: You once assaulted a member of the Four Kinsmen.

Greystanes: You are a member of the Four Kinsmen.

Strathfield: You knit sweaters for your pet skink.